Of Love and Hate

I hate how little time I had with you
I hate all that kept me away from you
I hate time and its unperceivable speed
I hate it that you're away

When I can't see you, touch you, hold you tight
When I can't hear you, smell you, through the night
There's silence now, and no one else
And it pains me, kills me, to sleep without

Too long, too far...

There are few ways to make a comeback after such a long absence. I have tried before, and there's just too much going on for me to wish or promise a steady blogging schedule...
I was asked to help edit a few blog posts, by someone, for someone else. These, I actually just finished, and naturally, the memories came flowing, and I found myself sneaking some time off and going through my blog and some of my other favorites. Wow it has been a while!
It's funny to me how perspective changes over the years. I think fellow bloggers can relate; when you re-read those posts you wrote years ago, doesn't it sometimes feel like someone else was doing the writing?
It's a good feeling, Don't get me wrong. It shows you've matured, grown, or changed in some way, all good things.
There's little to think or write about these days. Unless you wanna get caught up in the hot topics of where this country is headed... Oh don't get me started. I'll save that for another post.

Well, here it is, hope for a steady flow of ideas, and, as importantly, time.
I miss writing. I miss Posh's posts and comments, I miss my colleague...

Here's to a better comeback!

Spanish Heart

... And since we're in the reminiscing mood...

This song is literally the first song I ever remember. Ever. Early 80s as I was some 8 or 9 years old, toward the end of the civil war. I remember the old boombox that played this tape. 

Here's to a great childhood in spite of all. 

And Light There Was...

How about a trip to the past? Let's go back to the beginning... Doubtful that anyone but my dear La Colleague will remember this: And Let There Be Light

It's been 5 years. 5 completed years of ups, downs, and all kinds of craziness...
4 years of med school, 1 hell of an intern year, at first and in prospect seemed like ages, but now, in retrospect, nothing more than a few years in memory.

Faithful readers will know the meaning of the word "Checkpoints" in my posts. Well this is a checkpoint if there ever was one. The end of the intern year. The end of one hell of a year that's been the one and only time I have ever questioned my choice of career. Gone. And not a minute too soon. But with the pleasure and euphoria found in a savagely hard fought victory over it, came the sadness of another turning point in life. A turning point where all - yes, all - of my class friends (so much more than just classmates) have packed up and left for residencies in the states, leaving me with another round of fighting with my sense that I might want to do the same. And this is where my mind wanders off into a land of what ifs, buts, and alsos, driving me further into this wicked cycle of thought that I will not bore you with.
What it boils down to, though, is the impossible difficulty of accessing a surgical residency program in the US. Sure enough, none of my friends who are leaving have chosen surgery, and happily all of them were lucky to get the match for an out of this world opportunity for life and career. Kudos to them all.

For Gracie, for Mayssam
So here we are, gone each in his/her direction. In the 'hecticity' of it all, there seemed to be so little time for us to get to do any real talking, the only thing you and I are any good at. So I had little or no opportunity to say what a great 5 years these have been. And I know that I will, sometime, or as we say so untruthfully here in Lebanon... Tomorrow, or where 99.9% of human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.


Love, always.

Be Careful What You Wish For

What is it with us members of modern society and that elusive sense of satisfaction? Well at least the kind that lasts for more than a few hours or days...

Have you found yourself thinking about just how big of a nagger you are? Well I have, and it's not looking too good. 

At work: "Oh god the never ending work!" - "Oh god I cant take this anymore!" - "Oh god I need a vacation!"

On my heaven-sent 3-week vacation: Day 1: "wow this is perfect. I wish I could make this last a lifetime!" Day 2:"Starting to get bored" Day 3: "I need to get back to work!"... You get the picture. 

Back at work: "Oh god the never ending work, I need a vacation!"

This holds true in just about every situation we are faced with in life. And everyone who thinks about this is bound to reach the conclusion that we humans are never satisfied. But why? I mean is this just an alternate meaning to the phrase "to each his own"? and a definition added to what it is exactly you are allowed to nag or be upset about? because that seems to be an ever changing 'standard' whether it's from person to person or from day to day for the same person. 

It seems to me that the answer to this is change; too much of a good thing is just as nasty as too much of a bad thing. There's no pleasure without pain, and in very much the same way, there seems to be no stability without change and instability. Another source of added stress and insanity to daily life in an apparent bid toward the greater good that is the pleasure of savoring the few short moments of relief or pleasure that we find every once in a while. Owell...

Of Seaside Afternoons - Again

Kaslik, Lebanon - April 2012

Off the coast of north lebanon.
Gathered with a few friends for seaside sangrias. This is how the day ended.
Calm and quiet like you rarely ever experience anymore these days, a nice 25 degree breeze, the sounds of a few small waves breaking every now and then... Then you close your eyes and let the thoughts wash over you.

Breathtaking afternoon

In Candlelight

Beirut, March 2012

In candlelight the glass doth glow

One look at it and you will know

That when a day just took its toll

The wine is here to launder all

In candlelight the glass runs low

These sips of wine will just not throw

All of your troubles, here to stay

So please my friend just drive home safe

Nothing like sleep, ever will fare

In wiping off that nightly glare

Making a come back so bear with me...

November 5, the date of my last post... I think that's the longest I've gone without posting anything And if you know anything about me, it's my crazy schedule and constant struggle with time.

I mean here I am some 3 or 4 months later, still dry for ideas. But how come? I mean neither life or career has been remotely quiet enough to explain this. Quite the opposite, really. Since then, I've gone through 3 and a half rotations, I've fallen in love, I've been in 2 car accidents, I've watched my grandfather getting closer and closer to having Alzheimer's and have a car accident of his own - He's no longer allowed to drive as a result - and yet, I still had no time or inspiration to put any of it to words that proved worth sharing.
I hope you can relate to this; there's something about time that just drives me crazy, and it's that ability it has to sort of spur itself along this crazy vicious cycle. It's like the less time you have, the faster it goes, and the more time you spend doing something, the faster it goes too! I dont know what happened but I suddenly found myself having less and less time for anything other than daily routine, even during whatever time off I had. I guess it's because in my line of work there's only one use for time off, and that's recharging your batteries and shaping up for the next day's work... The next thing you know you're left wondering what the hell has been happening to your grandparents, or how on earth you've managed to forget about so many of your friends, or you just get an email from one of your readers asking you where the hell you've been! And then it sinks in - again, repeatedly - that your choice of career was some sort of an unwritten agreement, a contract that you signed without reading the fine print, and that it's what you have to live with for the rest of your life.
But here we are, the year almost over and I've realized how little I've posted about what I've been through this year - and that's a lot - but hopefully I will be able to catch up on here. It's good to be back, albeit tentatively, but I'm looking forward to sharing thoughts, events, and questions again.

She came...

She came to him. After a long absence, she came and with one look, they both knew at once. They knew immediately what was on each other's and respective minds.
He looked at her with hungry eyes. She smiled and came closer. A long, warm embrace, and he could feel her body once more. The feel of the thin fabric of her dress under his hands, gliding so softly over her skin, filled him with desire. The touch of his hands sent a shiver down her spine. She closed her eyes, her lips gently grazing his neck.
"I missed you", she whispered... 

It's Time...

Big surprise... It's October and Lebanese Internet still sucks! Wow