She came...

She came to him. After a long absence, she came and with one look, they both knew at once. They knew immediately what was on each other's and respective minds.
He looked at her with hungry eyes. She smiled and came closer. A long, warm embrace, and he could feel her body once more. The feel of the thin fabric of her dress under his hands, gliding so softly over her skin, filled him with desire. The touch of his hands sent a shiver down her spine. She closed her eyes, her lips gently grazing his neck.
"I missed you", she whispered... 

The contrast between black and white...

"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white" - The Counting Crows in Round Here.

Black and white... The best way to describe the past two months! White, then black and white, and then a big load of black is what happened.

Loving every second of your life can be a very tricky situation. Because you start wondering why and how it's happening, and then you ask yourself if it's as true and real as you think it is. Until something happens and you realize that it's been sort of helped along by a big bunch of bullshit.
A few discoveries that are incidental at first, then become targets of your unwinding obsession. Lies you've been suspicious of at first, and that were confirmed to you one after the other, sequentially, relentlessly, and repeatedly, until you just burst in frustration and helplessness. And you realize: So that's what it feels like!

Why is it that happiness always needs to be second-guessed, questioned, and put on on trial before it can be credible enough to be enjoyed, and shared?

Why is happiness so multi-disciplinary? so dependent on so many things and? and why does it have so many facets? I think that it's like that so people can hold it like some sort of a Rubik's cube and orient it in such a way to see only the positive parts, only those facets where all the colors match, and lie to themselves about still having to sort out the others. 

Well I have choked on your lies for long enough. 

I can take no more...

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Need Your Blood!

There are many organizations around Lebanon who have taken specific interest in blood drives. For a reason. Despite this, there has always been a shortage of blood for patients in need. It's simple numbers, there are so many patients in need of blood transfusions that the number of donors is just not enough. It's the same with organ donation.

What if you could help? What's in it to you? I mean It's a hassle, a traffic nightmare, it's a bit of wooziness after a few hundred milliliters of blood have been drawn from your circulation, why do it?
Well what about the idea that your blood could be coarsing through someone else's veins and help keep them alive? From the 22 year-old man I saw in the ER a few days ago who was run-over and pinned down for 45 minutes under an SUV, requiring no less than 11 blood units overnight, to the 80-some year old lady with hemolysis, a bit of YOUR blood can make the difference between life and death. Have you ever stopped to think about that? I believe that donating blood is like donating any other organ. A kidney, part of your liver, all the same, and even better, with blood you get to do it all over again in a few weeks!

To donate, please visit Donner Sang Compter, and register.

Hey F. ;)

A few facts about Blood donation, what you need to know

- Donating blood is neither painful nor dangerous. If you are a healthy individual and have no prohibitive problems, you will be cleared for donation and experience no sequelae beyond a few minutes of wooziness and perhaps some mild nausea.
- You will not become weak or ill after donating blood.
- You will NOT get an HIV infection. Needles are sterile, prepacked, and used only once.
- Your blood will be screened for common blood-borne diseases before it is used. (HIV, Hepatitis etc...) and you will be notified if any of those screens are positive.

What about blood type and compatibility?

- Blood = Plasma (Fluid) + Formed elements (Red cells, white cells, platelets...)
- You can be one of four blood groups: A, B, AB, and O, depending on which antigens are present on the surface of your red blood cells: A antigens for group A, B antigens for group B, Both A and B antigens for group AB, or No antigens for group O.
- Similarly, you can be Rhesus positive, or negative, depending on the presence or absence of the Rhesus antigen.
- So which blood types are compatible? To answer this question, there is a third important component in your blood that needs to be understood, your plasma. Plasma is the base fluid that constitutes your blood and in which your blood cells and platelets are carried around your body. It contains all kinds of molecules (proteins, clotting factors, antibodies, sugar, electrolytes etc...). Of interest for blood  transfusion are the anti-ABO antibodies. These are part of your immune system and are the basis of the danger of ABO incompatibility:
- A person of the A group has anti-B antibodies in her/his plasma. So if she/he receives red blood cells from a person of type B or AB, the antibodies will bind these cells and destroy them, creating clots and a systemic immune hemolytic reaction that can be fatal.
- A person of the B group has anti-A antibodies, so they cannot receive blood from group A or AB.
- A person of the AB group has no anti-A or anti-B antibodies. They are universal recipients because they can receive blood of type A, B, AB, or O.
- A person of the O group has no antigens, they are therefore universal donors and can donate to all blood types. But they do have both anti-A and anti-B antibodies, and therefore can only receive type O blood.
- Similarly (remember antigen, antibody) a rhesus positive person can donate only to a rhesus positive person.
- A rhesus negative person can donate to both.

Recap:
- Group A can receive type A or O, and can donate only to groups A and AB.
- Group B can receive type B or O, and can donate only to group B and AB.
- Group AB can receive ANY of A, B, AB, or O, and can donate only to group AB.
- Group O can receive only group O, and can donate to ANY blood group.
- Rh positive to Rh positive,  and Rh negative to both positive and negative for rhesus matching of any of the above combinations.

We need your blood. It's very simple.

Days in Memory...

August 13, or the last of it was

In a fortnight, let there be life!

And I can't help it, but I ask

What if this had been let unroll

It is but today, that I realize

What you and I have brought to bear

What you have given me

No other has

And for that indeed

I love you more

For L.

A Piece of Heaven...

Nahr Ibrahim, Lebanon - July 2010

... On the coast of North Lebanon... Psychedelic isn't it?
Hey P. :)

I Sang You to Sleep...

Creed - Lullaby

Lyrics

Hush my Love now don't you cry

Everything will be all right

Close you eyes an drift in dream

Rest in peaceful sleep

If there's one thing I hope I show You

If there's one thing I hope I show you

Hope I show you

Just give love to all

Just give love to all

Just give love to all

All my love in my arms tight

Everyday you give me life

As I drift off to your world

Rest in peaceful sleep

I know there's one thing that you'll show me

I know there's one thing that you'll show me

That you'll show me

Just give love to all

Just give love to all

Just give love to all

Let's give love to all

Let's give love to all

Just give love to all

Let's give love to all

Just give love to all

Let's give love to all

Drafts from the Past

For a few days now, I'd been wondering how to get back on the blogging track. For me it's one of those times when you have a lot to write, but not enough time. So much to write you can't just cram it into one post and expect it to make sense... So I thought why not see what I had been up to before my unjustified hiatus...

Here's to fishing a few drafts from the past, a few posts that were never posted. Figured we'd go from there!

August 22, 2009 - A Med Student's First Patient Crush

"Well here it is. It finally happened... It had to, I guess it was only a matter of time. I guess it's always only a matter of time before any med student gets infatuated with one of his patients. I had to check on a total of 6 patients yesterday, and these include two patients from my previous post.

So after a long on-call day at the hospital, I get beeped for my last admission of the day. I thought to myself, "here we go. One more intestinal obstruction or jaundiced patient and I'll be on my way..." And so I got to 7 South. I saw Dr. K (one of our residents) and R. (a visiting student from Syria) at the end of the long hallway leading to the desk. As I got closer, I started hearing tidbits of what they were saying, and the little that I could put together was "She's status post whipple procedure in 2007".

When I heard this, I tought "ok, here comes another 90 year-old... [end of draft]"

September 26, 2009 - Enraged Med Student Slays Many in Elevator Frenzy.

"What is wrong with people? What is wrong with Lebanese literacy? what is wrong with normal psychomotor and cognitive development?

You're probably wondering why I'm asking these questions... Well let's see. In order of appearance and respectively, here's what they... [end of draft]"

November 6, 2009 - Some Will Never Learn...

"Ever wonder why you seem to keep making the same mistakes... [end of draft]"

December 24, 2009 - Wandering Attention, You're Welcome

It's 2 am and I'm awake, wondering what it is that drives the seemingly coincidental encounters, the apparently arbitrary events, large and small, that seem to just explode in apparent randomness until they inevitably crash back together and make up that mess that we call life... [end of draft]

I had been thinking about a few of these posts, the few worth posting, that is, and wishing I had posted them when I remembered more of what made them worth writing. But I have to say that while a bunch of fine-script details are lost to hazy recall, some memories are tenacious and come out vividly as soon as they are elicited.

Like L., my 26 year-old patient with not only the most intriguing and sorrow-inspiring medical history and problems, but also with the most unforgettable face and big blue eyes and out of this world sweetness one could imagine. One of the many patients I will never forget.

Or that insane feeling I get everytime I get in the elevator at AUH and people start pushing and shoving to get in before anyone has a chance to get out. When they look in at some of us 'elevator insiders' and ask: "Going up?" with that bewildered look on their faces! And finally, when stuck in a packed elevator for 10 floors with a stop at each and every single floor with agonizing slowness and the same sketch of pushing, shoving, and moronic questions, the nice feel of less-than perfect hygiene: the 9 out of 10 people with breath odors prompting the eloquent question: "WTF???" and let's not forget the 8 out of 10 people with body odors worthy of wildebeest! I used to think about that frenzy every day! "LOOK OUTSIDE YOU MORON! THERE'S A LARGE ARROW POINTING EITHER UP OR DOWN! AND GUESS WHERE THAT !@@#$% ELEVATOR'S GOING!! AND TAKE A GOD!@#$ SHOWER AND BRUSH YOUR GOD AWFUL TEETH!" Oh that felt good!

As for the last two drafts, I can't seem to remember what I was on about. I'm sure it would have been interesting though!

Ok so there was my flashback. My way of dotting the i's and crossing the t's paving the way for a few more memories fished from the past as I catch up.

Wondering

I find myself wondering if it's normal that I felt so much like kissing you that my heart is still pounding. I find myself wondering if you felt the same.

For M.

Dear Sarah...

I came in and you were there. I sat at the table and you were around.

With your fresh looks, you stood out from the crowd. With your enticing smile, you caught my eye. There is something about you that played with my mind all night. Is it that smile? is it your hair? Or is it just as simple as your being at such odds with all of our dearly held ideals, self-ordained stereotypes and mundane ideas and clichés of the laws of attraction, that I just couldn't let it go?

So I told you. And from that moment, you knew my secret. You blushed and smiled. I did the same.

I was struck, and I knew so little. At an unfair disadvantage. But I will brave it.

I told you, and it wasn't that simple. He has your heart.

It's not to be. Not for now, maybe not ever. Or maybe...

Thank you for a pleasant night.

Patients: for a change...

I am happy to report that the long awaited feelings of gratification, satisfaction, and sweet fulfillment have come through during these two past weeks of hospital clerkship (the first two weeks in Med III). This is it. What I have been waiting for since I graduated from high school, and even a few years before that, if you will deem meaningful the idealism of a foolish teenager and his noble aspirations to save the world one patient at a time. This quest, this mission, now surely tarnished by disillusionment and eroded by its relentless and savage conflict with the grit of reality, this enthusiasm, and idealism, or what's left of them, is what I am trying to salvage at this time in my life and career. The fact is, I can proudly say that at last, at long last, I have the power to do something about it. I, your dedicated and enthusiastic medical student, now have enough to work with to impact people's lives, no matter how limited that impact may be. Flashback 3 weeks ago: I was just another student in a classroom counting the seconds before it was time to head back home or to the pub for a few drinks. Now, for a fast change, things are different. Let me tell you the story of a patient who made me realize that.

N. is a sweet old lady patient I was following up. She was one sick lady, with heart problems, kidney problems, and diabetes. One of the many, many long term complications of diabetes is peripheral vascular disease. simply put, this means that diabetics have problems in their blood circulation and as a result, there is impaired blood supply to the lower extremities. Impaired blood flow means impaired oxygenation, impaired eventual wound healing, and impaired immunity in the affected area. This is why you see 'informed' diabetics and think that they're anal about foot hygiene. It's simply because they've been informed that even the smallest abrasion or cut to the skin of their feet could result in devastatingly painful ulcerations and invasive infections that could ultimately warrant the amputation of a toe, or even the entire foot or leg in severe cases. What makes it worse is Diabetic Neuropathy, another complication of Diabetes that impairs sensation in the lower extremities, meaning that any wound, abrasion, or developing infection in a hidden area could go undiscovered for months, without the patient feeling so much as a tingle. Read more about The Diabetic Foot and Diabetic Foot Care.

N. had had diabetes for many years, and after an ulcer between her toes failed to heal and got infected, she lost her little toe, which was amputated to prevent the infection from spreading further up her leg with dire consequences. The first time I examined N., she immediately reminded me of my grandmother (Read); an exceedingly sweet, but obviously worried old lady, more open to suggestion than anyone could imagine. Even long years of fighting with chronic disease, life saving operations, and medications, along with a roughed up body both inside and out, had failed to embitter this inspiring character. The best of it all is that all she had to do was smile.

After this introduction it's time I got back to the point I was trying to make. People like N., with limited resources, bad or no insurance, are usually treated and let go as soon as possible. This is the sad reality of health care today, and is something that I'll be sure to write about when time and inspiration permit. The bottom line is that after a successful operation, N. was about to be sent home with her foot well on its way to a full recovery. Sadly, no one really took the time to sit down with N. for a few minutes and explain to her what steps needed to be taken to avoid another visit to the operating room. My group and I (Myself, M, and G.) felt that we could do it. Why not? It is now our duty to care for our patients, examine them, and help in their treatment and convalescence. Why would we not be responsible of raising some awareness and help them also by preventive measures? We went to N.'s room and gave her a talk with a few crucial instructions on how to care for her feet. And yes, this is the essence of what I've been rambling about for the past 3,000 words or so. We did that, and I like to think that we DID make a difference in N's life. Only time will tell, but things are looking up.

M. told me a similar story about one of her patients. She felt the same as I did, but the feeling is a bit new to us. It's something that, deep down, you know is right and that you are 100% sure that you're doing the right thing, but that still feels awkward, for some reason, and you're always worried that it's not your place. Well, I think it is. And I'm sure that if we don't do it, no one will. If we somehow lose this enthusiasm, this 'flame' that sadly has burned itself out in all but the newest blood in the health care system, we can be sure that no one, especially not the hardened veterans with their cynicism, will kindle it back to life. And it is the patients that will ultimately pay the price. Who else?

I said goodbye to N. with a few last minute instructions and reminders, and she told me how grateful she was, and the last words she said before I left will stay with me for a long time.

"Ra7 a3mel metel ma eltelle ya 7akim!"(I will do exactly what you told me to, Doctor!) - said a proud and emotional N. ...

Get off the streets....!!! Another plea that no one will hear...

To all you ladies out there that cannot seem to find any time in your busy schedule to apply makeup that is more convenient and safe than while you're driving. To the beauties with freshly issued driver's licenses and brand new cars, and the less blessed and less fortunate Venuses driving your asses off into beautiful sunsets (or walls). Please, I implore you, TAKE A F!@#$%G CAB for the love of God!!!

I know that:
- 100% of feminists among you (women or men, weirdly enough; hey, you never know!)...
- 80-90% of women among you (see the remaining 10-20% below)...
- 1% of all men among you...
... will think I'm a sexist bastard who does not know what he's talking about. Well you would wouldn't you? Yeah...

But I also know that:
-10-20% of women among you...
-99% of all men among you...
... will think this is something everyone knows and that proper action needs to be taken to ensure everyone's (and that includes you ladies) safety.

Why? I don't know why. How come? I don't know how come. I don't know how, why, when, and with what twisted, insane, moronic agenda, nature simply decided that women would not get the driving genes. What matters is that She did. We've seen it all! The ones screaming into cell phones, those (classic) looking into the purposefully-readjusted rear-view mirror, thinking "Oh why is it that when I look into that thing, I see cars behind mine and not my beautiful face??" *tires screeching in background* Well they've dealt with that one!

Check out this video. Watch every second. It's just too funny, and says everything better than I can :D

On n'est jamais trop grand pour chuchoter "Maman"

... Les trois petits cochons
Reconnaissent la saison
Où les fleurs poussent sur le gazon
Alors ils sortent de la maison
En chantant une chanson
Qui dit: "Nous t'aimons"
A la Maman de la fille et des deux garçons.

Ils lui offrent des bisous
Qui s'en vont partout partout
Pour qu'elle n'oublie pas surtout...

...Qu'on n'est jamais trop grand
pour chuchoter "Maman".


From sister to mother...

Happy Mother's day.

I spoke too soon...

I felt it was too soon to celebrate. Too soon to speak, revel and bask. Almost 4 months and she went behind my back. She could not take it any longer and she went behind my back. I understand.
I had gotten her to stop and I was ecstatic. What a shame.

Now starting over from day one.

I feel gutted...

I got her to stop...

On a long afternoon drive home, she looks at me, tells me to grab her purse and take out her 2 packs of Lights as she pulls the car over to the side of the road right next to a garbage receptacle. "Throw them out" she said. I looked over in disbelief, wondering speechlessly if it could have been so. Could it have been? that after 30 odd years of smoking, she had finally decided it was time? Time to finally listen to me? Time to be sensible? It appears as if my tantrums, my rants, the wicked looks I gave her whenever she lit one up, the fights, the ruined lunches and dinners, my desperate pleas urging her to consider the consequences of the worst case scenario, had finally paid off. It took a few years of fighting, but she had opened her eyes, and she could see...
3 months now. Going strong. Fingers still crossed.

Midnight Breeze

It’s midnight. At the end of what has been an interminable day, I find myself thinking of something I promised myself I would forget. Breaking a rule, here, but I’ve been hoping and waiting, waiting for some kind of an explanation. So long, I’m not so sure anymore... would it ever come, or ever be enough? Would absolutely anything be enough for me to understand, enough for me to want to call her, want to see her, enough for me to miss her? The cool midnight breeze glides in and dances across my skin as the dim orange light immerses the room in a somber mood. There’s not a sound out there. The sobering feel of a cool glass of whiskey gently resting against my face, as my eyes close ever so slowly, sets alight this crystal clear thread of unbroken thought that I’ve never even come close to experiencing. The flame peacefully kindled by the serenity I’ve managed to find in a sad broken watch that died in exactly 4 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds on the nineteenth of some month, a while ago... Somehow I look at it and see all the time, all the years and years and years I’ve held on. I have never seen a watch run so fast. I’ve been losing so much time. And then it hit me! I had never been able to see things so clearly before, and my clouded thoughts have never come out right as I endlessly tripped on words, making a mess of knowing what to say, when or how. But not today; all is frighteningly lucid to me, and it has occurred to me just how naive I had been... I want to tell her... but would it be worth it? Would it be worth the reactions, the judgment, the implications and assumptions? Why reopen a healing wound? I’ve been realizing just how meaningless words can be, how fruitless and hollow they can be. What would they help in achieving? Absolutely nothing? Absolutely everything? Surely they won’t change a thing. But I can’t help but think of how they would touch her, because for what is an absolute first in an appallingly long time, I’m not trying to be guarded.
No matter how things may turn out, it’s 14 minutes past midnight on my broken watch, and here are my meaningless words:
I never thought we’d be here...

Elsewhere...

Kaslik, Lebanon - June 2007

Picture Taken: June 28, 2007 - 5:30 pm

She gazes into the sea; I can't help but imagine... There, towards the horizon, is where she wants to be.

The Girl in Gray

It was a beautiful morning, and I had found myself a seat next to a 7th floor hospital window to peer out of. The city looked small, with only a few rooftops carving into the horizon. The intense, yet hypnotizing turquoise hue of the Mediterranean was playing with my senses. The voices and clatter in the crowded room seemed to fade as I started to imagine stories and serendipities for the minuscule people. I gazed and wondered... What's that down there? Oh look, up there! a plane! I wonder where they're going...
And there she was. Way down there, tiny, and making an easy, yet elegant stride of what any other woman would make a complete mess of, holding more scholar paraphernalia than one would care to describe. She caught my eye, her charming gray outfit contrasting against the yellow tiles as she made her way through the plaza. I wonder where she's going...
She holds her phone to her ear and disappears into the crowd... Is my phone ringing?

She Meditates...

Jiyyeh, Lebanon - June 2007

Picture Taken: June 23, 2007 - 5:54 pm
Small and Lonely, humbled by the vastness of the sea.