Of Love and Hate

I hate how little time I had with you
I hate all that kept me away from you
I hate time and its unperceivable speed
I hate it that you're away

When I can't see you, touch you, hold you tight
When I can't hear you, smell you, through the night
There's silence now, and no one else
And it pains me, kills me, to sleep without

Too long, too far...

There are few ways to make a comeback after such a long absence. I have tried before, and there's just too much going on for me to wish or promise a steady blogging schedule...
I was asked to help edit a few blog posts, by someone, for someone else. These, I actually just finished, and naturally, the memories came flowing, and I found myself sneaking some time off and going through my blog and some of my other favorites. Wow it has been a while!
It's funny to me how perspective changes over the years. I think fellow bloggers can relate; when you re-read those posts you wrote years ago, doesn't it sometimes feel like someone else was doing the writing?
It's a good feeling, Don't get me wrong. It shows you've matured, grown, or changed in some way, all good things.
There's little to think or write about these days. Unless you wanna get caught up in the hot topics of where this country is headed... Oh don't get me started. I'll save that for another post.

Well, here it is, hope for a steady flow of ideas, and, as importantly, time.
I miss writing. I miss Posh's posts and comments, I miss my colleague...

Here's to a better comeback!

Spanish Heart

... And since we're in the reminiscing mood...

This song is literally the first song I ever remember. Ever. Early 80s as I was some 8 or 9 years old, toward the end of the civil war. I remember the old boombox that played this tape. 

Here's to a great childhood in spite of all. 

And Light There Was...

How about a trip to the past? Let's go back to the beginning... Doubtful that anyone but my dear La Colleague will remember this: And Let There Be Light

It's been 5 years. 5 completed years of ups, downs, and all kinds of craziness...
4 years of med school, 1 hell of an intern year, at first and in prospect seemed like ages, but now, in retrospect, nothing more than a few years in memory.

Faithful readers will know the meaning of the word "Checkpoints" in my posts. Well this is a checkpoint if there ever was one. The end of the intern year. The end of one hell of a year that's been the one and only time I have ever questioned my choice of career. Gone. And not a minute too soon. But with the pleasure and euphoria found in a savagely hard fought victory over it, came the sadness of another turning point in life. A turning point where all - yes, all - of my class friends (so much more than just classmates) have packed up and left for residencies in the states, leaving me with another round of fighting with my sense that I might want to do the same. And this is where my mind wanders off into a land of what ifs, buts, and alsos, driving me further into this wicked cycle of thought that I will not bore you with.
What it boils down to, though, is the impossible difficulty of accessing a surgical residency program in the US. Sure enough, none of my friends who are leaving have chosen surgery, and happily all of them were lucky to get the match for an out of this world opportunity for life and career. Kudos to them all.

For Gracie, for Mayssam
So here we are, gone each in his/her direction. In the 'hecticity' of it all, there seemed to be so little time for us to get to do any real talking, the only thing you and I are any good at. So I had little or no opportunity to say what a great 5 years these have been. And I know that I will, sometime, or as we say so untruthfully here in Lebanon... Tomorrow, or where 99.9% of human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.


Love, always.

Be Careful What You Wish For

What is it with us members of modern society and that elusive sense of satisfaction? Well at least the kind that lasts for more than a few hours or days...

Have you found yourself thinking about just how big of a nagger you are? Well I have, and it's not looking too good. 

At work: "Oh god the never ending work!" - "Oh god I cant take this anymore!" - "Oh god I need a vacation!"

On my heaven-sent 3-week vacation: Day 1: "wow this is perfect. I wish I could make this last a lifetime!" Day 2:"Starting to get bored" Day 3: "I need to get back to work!"... You get the picture. 

Back at work: "Oh god the never ending work, I need a vacation!"

This holds true in just about every situation we are faced with in life. And everyone who thinks about this is bound to reach the conclusion that we humans are never satisfied. But why? I mean is this just an alternate meaning to the phrase "to each his own"? and a definition added to what it is exactly you are allowed to nag or be upset about? because that seems to be an ever changing 'standard' whether it's from person to person or from day to day for the same person. 

It seems to me that the answer to this is change; too much of a good thing is just as nasty as too much of a bad thing. There's no pleasure without pain, and in very much the same way, there seems to be no stability without change and instability. Another source of added stress and insanity to daily life in an apparent bid toward the greater good that is the pleasure of savoring the few short moments of relief or pleasure that we find every once in a while. Owell...

Of Seaside Afternoons - Again

Kaslik, Lebanon - April 2012

Off the coast of north lebanon.
Gathered with a few friends for seaside sangrias. This is how the day ended.
Calm and quiet like you rarely ever experience anymore these days, a nice 25 degree breeze, the sounds of a few small waves breaking every now and then... Then you close your eyes and let the thoughts wash over you.

Breathtaking afternoon

In Candlelight

Beirut, March 2012

In candlelight the glass doth glow

One look at it and you will know

That when a day just took its toll

The wine is here to launder all

In candlelight the glass runs low

These sips of wine will just not throw

All of your troubles, here to stay

So please my friend just drive home safe

Nothing like sleep, ever will fare

In wiping off that nightly glare

Making a come back so bear with me...

November 5, the date of my last post... I think that's the longest I've gone without posting anything And if you know anything about me, it's my crazy schedule and constant struggle with time.

I mean here I am some 3 or 4 months later, still dry for ideas. But how come? I mean neither life or career has been remotely quiet enough to explain this. Quite the opposite, really. Since then, I've gone through 3 and a half rotations, I've fallen in love, I've been in 2 car accidents, I've watched my grandfather getting closer and closer to having Alzheimer's and have a car accident of his own - He's no longer allowed to drive as a result - and yet, I still had no time or inspiration to put any of it to words that proved worth sharing.
I hope you can relate to this; there's something about time that just drives me crazy, and it's that ability it has to sort of spur itself along this crazy vicious cycle. It's like the less time you have, the faster it goes, and the more time you spend doing something, the faster it goes too! I dont know what happened but I suddenly found myself having less and less time for anything other than daily routine, even during whatever time off I had. I guess it's because in my line of work there's only one use for time off, and that's recharging your batteries and shaping up for the next day's work... The next thing you know you're left wondering what the hell has been happening to your grandparents, or how on earth you've managed to forget about so many of your friends, or you just get an email from one of your readers asking you where the hell you've been! And then it sinks in - again, repeatedly - that your choice of career was some sort of an unwritten agreement, a contract that you signed without reading the fine print, and that it's what you have to live with for the rest of your life.
But here we are, the year almost over and I've realized how little I've posted about what I've been through this year - and that's a lot - but hopefully I will be able to catch up on here. It's good to be back, albeit tentatively, but I'm looking forward to sharing thoughts, events, and questions again.

She came...

She came to him. After a long absence, she came and with one look, they both knew at once. They knew immediately what was on each other's and respective minds.
He looked at her with hungry eyes. She smiled and came closer. A long, warm embrace, and he could feel her body once more. The feel of the thin fabric of her dress under his hands, gliding so softly over her skin, filled him with desire. The touch of his hands sent a shiver down her spine. She closed her eyes, her lips gently grazing his neck.
"I missed you", she whispered... 

It's Time...

Big surprise... It's October and Lebanese Internet still sucks! Wow

Surgery, What's it like?

Morning round at 6:30 AM, end of shift 6PM if you're not on call, and the next day at 6PM if you're on call (36-hour duty), 6 days a week. What's up?

I've never felt or been so out of time for so long in my life. What's it like? Forget about having the slightest bit of time for anything unexpected like your car breaking down or your grandmother getting sick. These have no place in your loaded schedule and most days you have too little time to make a phone call or even to think about it!

On the floors, busy with more tasks than you can count, armed with a loud beeper that won't shut up or stop interrupting you, paged relentlessly by your numerous superiors and their ridiculous requests that could not come at worst times. You feel the need to be at 5, 6 places at the same time, and soon as the day goes by, like butter spread over too much bread.

You feel disrespected, unappreciated, and you want out. Out of the misery, the stress and humiliation. But somehow you pull through it all and get home almost too tired to get out of your clothes and crash on your undone bed and fall asleep to wake up a few hours later for it to start all over again. "Bring it!" seems like the only attitude to take if you are to have any chance of succeeding.

Here's what you do on the first year of a surgery residency.

First call on all your patients's issues.
Loads of paperwork.
Seeing and preparing all new admissions.
Keeping track on all occurrences and treatments done on patients in real time.
Making sure all the labs ordered on patients are within normal and making corrections as needed.
Handle incompetent nurses and be thankful that there are a few who want to help and actually know what they're doing.
Handle all of your superiors' scut work like ordering labs, getting consent forms signed, and transporting blood units or specimens back and forth between the OR and the pathology lab.
Keep track of everything your students are doing and making sure they don't screw up.
Dealing with obstinate and overconfident hypertalkative students, patients, and colleagues
Catering to every attending's immense ego.
Playing secretary and delivering messages between residents and attendings in the hospital who are just too stupid to talk to each other directly.

The list goes on. And the worst part of it is that you never get any form of recognition when you get all of this done right, but get reprimanded heavily at the slightest delay or bureaucratic mistake you make, to the demise of any shred of motivation you might still have had.

What a rush, what a time hole, making you appreciate your only off day in the week like someone starved for a year would appreciate a Big Mac. Wow.

But you know what? I love it! I love that feeling that no matter what happens this year, or the next, or the one after that, something is being built that seems to be worth all the crap you are forced to take. I have students under my supervision now. Students I have to teach, supervise, and help write progress notes. Students who - mostly - look up to their intern with respect and admiration.
And the single most rewarding feeling you have, that will make all of the above seem like a very small price to pay, is the recognition you get from your patients, who often are very sick people that you can help provide with a better life. And it's amazing just how grateful they can be, not because your attending surgeon just performed life saving surgery on them, but more because you devised a way for the dressing on their colostomy to stop leaking stool, the smell of which requires no description when it comes from s diseased colon, from their abdomen and onto their skin and bed sheets, keeping them awake at night. You do something like that, and you end up getting a disproportionate amount of gratitude, and that patient will smile every time you walk into her room.
This feeling, this gratitude, is worth more to me than the highest awards, from Penrose all the way to Alpha Omega Alpha (some of the most coveted awards), making them seem completely trivial once a sick patient calls you their guardian angel just because something you did helped them get a good night's sleep.
There's no beating that. And this mini surgeon is sticking round for more.

Overheard

At the nurse's station desk.

Urology resident on the phone: "the 'testicle' is coming make sure you get all the bloodwork by tonight.

It took time to realize he was talking about about a new patient coming for testicular surgery.

How random.

Step Back Inside.

Here comes some white to offset all the black I've been ranting about.
Here comes karma.
Here comes something to look forward to.

Mr. Rubik, your puzzle has been solved.

The contrast between black and white...

"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white" - The Counting Crows in Round Here.

Black and white... The best way to describe the past two months! White, then black and white, and then a big load of black is what happened.

Loving every second of your life can be a very tricky situation. Because you start wondering why and how it's happening, and then you ask yourself if it's as true and real as you think it is. Until something happens and you realize that it's been sort of helped along by a big bunch of bullshit.
A few discoveries that are incidental at first, then become targets of your unwinding obsession. Lies you've been suspicious of at first, and that were confirmed to you one after the other, sequentially, relentlessly, and repeatedly, until you just burst in frustration and helplessness. And you realize: So that's what it feels like!

Why is it that happiness always needs to be second-guessed, questioned, and put on on trial before it can be credible enough to be enjoyed, and shared?

Why is happiness so multi-disciplinary? so dependent on so many things and? and why does it have so many facets? I think that it's like that so people can hold it like some sort of a Rubik's cube and orient it in such a way to see only the positive parts, only those facets where all the colors match, and lie to themselves about still having to sort out the others. 

Well I have choked on your lies for long enough. 

I can take no more...

Blind Item

Weather Conflict! LoL

Is there such a thing as an accurate weather forecast?? Yahoo, get your act together!! There's no sun out today! And yesterday wasn't better!

And why is this weekend so gloomy???? Beach plans gone south for the second day in a row!

El Falamanki Review

I've been meaning to talk about this place for a while now, but I hadn't been there that often and didn't want to judge based on one experience. So here it comes now.

El Falamanki is a middle eastern restaurant slash lounge in the Sodeco area in Achrafieh. I kept hearing about it here and there and until I tried it a few weeks ago for the first time, I never understood the fuss.
But now I do... or do I?

Location: 10/10
The main entrance is very tidy and worthy of a castle. You are instantly greeted by our loved valets who are just dying to get a hold of your car keys, and later, your money. But that's everywhere. You give up your car and walk a few meters through a small terrace with a few trees scattered around and into the main dining area. Very tasteful and very "out-of-Beirut" feeling slightly - very slightly - reminiscent of Locanda Corcini if you've been there.

Atmosphere: 10/10
It's a very nice middle eastern atmosphere with a tasteful mixture of retro and modern decoration, and you'll be surprised to see things such as a nice LCD flatscreen laid in the  center of a very old middle eastern bronze frame, and retro furniture. The massively predominant but pleasant smell of nargileh tobacco, middle eastern music in the background, the static of scattered conversations, and the sound of dice furiously flying around backgammon boards puts you in an overall very pleasant dining area and if you're a first timer, you're smiling already.

So far so good.

Service / Welcome: 2/10
This is where it all goes wrong. Every time I have been to this place, I personally had to call on one of the waiters for us to be seated. Not once did they notice us stepping in. Not good. After being seated and almost prepping the table on our own, it usually takes another similar effort to get the waiter to come round and take your order. Felt special on the way in? Well not anymore. Now you're just another customer and feel like a burden every time you ask anything of the waiter.

Menu / Pricing / Taste: 3/10
More wrong here. The first thing that strikes you as you look through the menu is how poor it is. And the second thing is the pricing. At best a measly, measly mix of a few usual lebanese overpriced mezze and somehow as you look at it, you can guess - and straight up, I guessed it the first time - that the portions will be just enough to feed a moderately hungry bird. In the grill section, you get platters consisting only of two skewers of either beef or chicken or one of each for LBP 20,000 - 25,000. Yes, TWO skewers, for 25,000. That's 5-6 pieces of chicken or beef for the price of 1Kg of the same in a supermarket. This is the most outrageously overpriced food I've heard of in a middle eastern setting. Somehow I'm thankful for the fact that they don't have those big mixed grill platters they offer in other restaurants! It's sad that they don't, but can you imagine how much that would cost?!
And another thing, you don't even get the usual garnish you expect with a good old lebanese Masheweh platter. All you get is the skewers, some crunchy fries (not the regular ones), and a stupid excuse for a yellowish dipping sauce that I don't want to taste again ever in my life. Where are the parsley, grilled onions and peppers, the exquisite garlic paste that no decent BBQ lacks?? Am I at a steak house or something? Don't give me !@#king Bearnaise sauce with my Masheweh for god's sake!!

So once you get over the abomination that is the Falamanki Grill Menu, here's what we're looking at in terms of finances! (lol)

A Typical lunch or dinner for 2:
1 nargileh, 1 fattouch salad, 1 Lebanese sausage order, 1 Hummus order, a small basket of fries, 2 diet cokes, and one of the delicacy grill platters will set you back around LBP 100,000. And sadly unless you've just undergone a gastric bypass, you'll still be as hungry as you were when you came in.

Too expensive? Go thrifty and replace the lame grill platter with 1 turkey and cheese sage manousheh and you'll still end up paying LBP 90,000 for the lousy meal made up by a few fries, a salad, and a dollop of hommos complemented by a lousy LBP 10,000 Manousheh.

Now keeping in mind this is a middle eastern restaurant, and not a gourmet's heaven on earth - faaarr from it- , and that the portions are simply microscopic - all of this felt exactly as consistent as a happy meal - , this price is just astronomical in my opinion. And frankly, although the atmosphere's good and the food tastes great, both are just as good at any branch of Leila where you get a MUCH wider choice, MUCH larger portions, MUCH better service, for a lower price.
I gotta hand it to them though, they have THE best nargileh of any other restaurant in beirut. Hands down.

Overall: 6/10
El falamanki. An overall pleasant place for a nice afternoon nargileh and perhaps a cup of coffee or a Jellab. As a restaurant though? It flunks miserably, because any Lebanese person who knows what they're talking about will tell you that taking lebanese food and contorting it, overpricing it straight into almost a european fusion gourmet menu is just flat out wrong.
But hey, it's working for them and business seems good.
I give the place an all inclusive -generous-  6/10 grade.

Of Seaside Afternoons

Beirut, Lebanon - May 2011

Here we go again :)
After a hard workout and a lengthy shower. The cool sea breeze under warm sunlight, and Bruce Springsteen's Streets of Philadelphia blasting in my earphones for a very serene mood.
Love it.

It's here... It's finally here!

Here's to ending another long and intricate chapter in an incredibly long book -and to the first page of a new chapter with more and more drama  - Loving every page. Graduating in a few weeks and having this to look forward to is simply... Sweet ...!

This is everything I've wanted. The news is still sinking in 10 days after it came in.

You can bet everything that I will be thinking... Did I just bite off more than I can chew? ....

.... And shortly thereafter, answering : Bring it, Surgery! How bad can you be? I'm too excited to have second thoughts!

How bad? Well I've heard stories here and there. But I will be the judge of that this time, thank you. I'll be reporting live right here, faithful readers tag along :)

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Need Your Blood!

There are many organizations around Lebanon who have taken specific interest in blood drives. For a reason. Despite this, there has always been a shortage of blood for patients in need. It's simple numbers, there are so many patients in need of blood transfusions that the number of donors is just not enough. It's the same with organ donation.

What if you could help? What's in it to you? I mean It's a hassle, a traffic nightmare, it's a bit of wooziness after a few hundred milliliters of blood have been drawn from your circulation, why do it?
Well what about the idea that your blood could be coarsing through someone else's veins and help keep them alive? From the 22 year-old man I saw in the ER a few days ago who was run-over and pinned down for 45 minutes under an SUV, requiring no less than 11 blood units overnight, to the 80-some year old lady with hemolysis, a bit of YOUR blood can make the difference between life and death. Have you ever stopped to think about that? I believe that donating blood is like donating any other organ. A kidney, part of your liver, all the same, and even better, with blood you get to do it all over again in a few weeks!

To donate, please visit Donner Sang Compter, and register.

Hey F. ;)

A few facts about Blood donation, what you need to know

- Donating blood is neither painful nor dangerous. If you are a healthy individual and have no prohibitive problems, you will be cleared for donation and experience no sequelae beyond a few minutes of wooziness and perhaps some mild nausea.
- You will not become weak or ill after donating blood.
- You will NOT get an HIV infection. Needles are sterile, prepacked, and used only once.
- Your blood will be screened for common blood-borne diseases before it is used. (HIV, Hepatitis etc...) and you will be notified if any of those screens are positive.

What about blood type and compatibility?

- Blood = Plasma (Fluid) + Formed elements (Red cells, white cells, platelets...)
- You can be one of four blood groups: A, B, AB, and O, depending on which antigens are present on the surface of your red blood cells: A antigens for group A, B antigens for group B, Both A and B antigens for group AB, or No antigens for group O.
- Similarly, you can be Rhesus positive, or negative, depending on the presence or absence of the Rhesus antigen.
- So which blood types are compatible? To answer this question, there is a third important component in your blood that needs to be understood, your plasma. Plasma is the base fluid that constitutes your blood and in which your blood cells and platelets are carried around your body. It contains all kinds of molecules (proteins, clotting factors, antibodies, sugar, electrolytes etc...). Of interest for blood  transfusion are the anti-ABO antibodies. These are part of your immune system and are the basis of the danger of ABO incompatibility:
- A person of the A group has anti-B antibodies in her/his plasma. So if she/he receives red blood cells from a person of type B or AB, the antibodies will bind these cells and destroy them, creating clots and a systemic immune hemolytic reaction that can be fatal.
- A person of the B group has anti-A antibodies, so they cannot receive blood from group A or AB.
- A person of the AB group has no anti-A or anti-B antibodies. They are universal recipients because they can receive blood of type A, B, AB, or O.
- A person of the O group has no antigens, they are therefore universal donors and can donate to all blood types. But they do have both anti-A and anti-B antibodies, and therefore can only receive type O blood.
- Similarly (remember antigen, antibody) a rhesus positive person can donate only to a rhesus positive person.
- A rhesus negative person can donate to both.

Recap:
- Group A can receive type A or O, and can donate only to groups A and AB.
- Group B can receive type B or O, and can donate only to group B and AB.
- Group AB can receive ANY of A, B, AB, or O, and can donate only to group AB.
- Group O can receive only group O, and can donate to ANY blood group.
- Rh positive to Rh positive,  and Rh negative to both positive and negative for rhesus matching of any of the above combinations.

We need your blood. It's very simple.

Small World and Memories Past

Dear N. you sweet old lady,

I have only the faintest memory of you. I am told passionately by those close to me and to your family that I spent the better part of my childhood fiddling around in your house with your children's children. Now that, I do remember. You see when I was some 7 years old, I was infatuated with your granddaughter Z., P.'s daughter, A.'s sister. 

I have to look back, well at least at what these people have told me, and sit in wonder at the way our lives parted so long ago, and how they were brought back together on that fateful afternoon.

You are an ill lady, poor old N., 

I was surprised a few times to come across your name on our inpatient records. Always wondered how you were doing. Always wished you the best. 

I was surprised on said afternoon to see your name on the ER patient list. 

I was awestruck a few hours later as I heard your monitor beeping. Code Blue. 

I was there, in your final moments. I was helping. We fought hard to bring you back. It wasn't to be.

I was gutted, as your grandson A. said in no uncertain words: "let her go".

I am sorry. There was nothing more we could do.

I was tearful when I got out of your room.

I was torn to see A.'s face after all these years, calling the family with the news. Bluntness was the order of the day.

My dearest N. you see the people you have helped create, have made our life so much better. And from faint memories and tales told, you were keen to see us grow. 

I hate it that we had no chance to get reacquainted. 

My dearest N. 

May you rest in peace.

Thoughts go out to Z. my first childhood crush. and A., The ER physician who supervised resuscitation efforts on his own grandmother in steadfast composure, professionalism, and, ultimately, realism. You are an inspiration to us all.