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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Midnight Breeze

It’s midnight. At the end of what has been an interminable day, I find myself thinking of something I promised myself I would forget. Breaking a rule, here, but I’ve been hoping and waiting, waiting for some kind of an explanation. So long, I’m not so sure anymore... would it ever come, or ever be enough? Would absolutely anything be enough for me to understand, enough for me to want to call her, want to see her, enough for me to miss her? The cool midnight breeze glides in and dances across my skin as the dim orange light immerses the room in a somber mood. There’s not a sound out there. The sobering feel of a cool glass of whiskey gently resting against my face, as my eyes close ever so slowly, sets alight this crystal clear thread of unbroken thought that I’ve never even come close to experiencing. The flame peacefully kindled by the serenity I’ve managed to find in a sad broken watch that died in exactly 4 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds on the nineteenth of some month, a while ago... Somehow I look at it and see all the time, all the years and years and years I’ve held on. I have never seen a watch run so fast. I’ve been losing so much time. And then it hit me! I had never been able to see things so clearly before, and my clouded thoughts have never come out right as I endlessly tripped on words, making a mess of knowing what to say, when or how. But not today; all is frighteningly lucid to me, and it has occurred to me just how naive I had been... I want to tell her... but would it be worth it? Would it be worth the reactions, the judgment, the implications and assumptions? Why reopen a healing wound? I’ve been realizing just how meaningless words can be, how fruitless and hollow they can be. What would they help in achieving? Absolutely nothing? Absolutely everything? Surely they won’t change a thing. But I can’t help but think of how they would touch her, because for what is an absolute first in an appallingly long time, I’m not trying to be guarded.
No matter how things may turn out, it’s 14 minutes past midnight on my broken watch, and here are my meaningless words:
I never thought we’d be here...