Making a come back so bear with me...

November 5, the date of my last post... I think that's the longest I've gone without posting anything And if you know anything about me, it's my crazy schedule and constant struggle with time.

I mean here I am some 3 or 4 months later, still dry for ideas. But how come? I mean neither life or career has been remotely quiet enough to explain this. Quite the opposite, really. Since then, I've gone through 3 and a half rotations, I've fallen in love, I've been in 2 car accidents, I've watched my grandfather getting closer and closer to having Alzheimer's and have a car accident of his own - He's no longer allowed to drive as a result - and yet, I still had no time or inspiration to put any of it to words that proved worth sharing.
I hope you can relate to this; there's something about time that just drives me crazy, and it's that ability it has to sort of spur itself along this crazy vicious cycle. It's like the less time you have, the faster it goes, and the more time you spend doing something, the faster it goes too! I dont know what happened but I suddenly found myself having less and less time for anything other than daily routine, even during whatever time off I had. I guess it's because in my line of work there's only one use for time off, and that's recharging your batteries and shaping up for the next day's work... The next thing you know you're left wondering what the hell has been happening to your grandparents, or how on earth you've managed to forget about so many of your friends, or you just get an email from one of your readers asking you where the hell you've been! And then it sinks in - again, repeatedly - that your choice of career was some sort of an unwritten agreement, a contract that you signed without reading the fine print, and that it's what you have to live with for the rest of your life.
But here we are, the year almost over and I've realized how little I've posted about what I've been through this year - and that's a lot - but hopefully I will be able to catch up on here. It's good to be back, albeit tentatively, but I'm looking forward to sharing thoughts, events, and questions again.

Blind Item

Weather Conflict! LoL

Is there such a thing as an accurate weather forecast?? Yahoo, get your act together!! There's no sun out today! And yesterday wasn't better!

And why is this weekend so gloomy???? Beach plans gone south for the second day in a row!

Of Friendship and Lack Thereof

What happens when you run out of outlets? What happens when your friends are leaving, one by one, caving to the attraction of a random civilized country with hope for a decent and secure future, and you're left counting how many of them you have left? Two or three? Or is it one? Shit I don't know anymore!
I'll tell you what happens. You're left with two or three mindsets that cooperate or take turns tearing your sanity apart, each one taking partial or complete precedence over the others depending on your mood and how your day is going.

On the rare but welcome good day, you'll feel optimistic about present and future -like I felt when I wrote my previous post-, and keep thinking to yourself, "staying here isn't so bad! I've almost got it figured, and it feels good to be home!" Expected, from someone who's already failed -miserably- to capitalize on the golden opportunity of a medical career in France due mostly to nostalgia.

On the more common average day you tend not to think about it too much. Because on the average day you have a lot keeping you busy, and there isn't much time for thinking and musing about life and its roller-coasters. You do catch a few ideas flying by, but these don't tend to materialize into something meaningful by the time your attention is caught by something else.

We're left with bad days. It is on those bad days, those days when you just can't seem to find anything to do with your time, or when you just seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, that these thoughts go wild. You feel stranded, isolated, wondering what the hell you're doing at home or wherever you are. Your outlets are numbered and each has his/her own set of problems and obstacles. They're busy. You don't really feel like their gossip, trivia, and pettiness, even though you love them. She's unreachable! S. is in the U.S. B. is in the U.K. N. is in Kuwait, K. in Dubai, R. in France... I could go on...
And this is when it gets to you the most. Because what are you left with, if not memories of good times and intrusive thoughts and feelings of all sorts that make you question your own sanity sometimes? or a bad mindset and ensuing reactions and overreactions that can ruin friendships and relationships? And what can you do with these thoughts? Well you can either swallow them, or throw them in someone's face. I tend to do the latter, often with bad consequences, but that's another thing I never seem to learn.

But you know what? All that's about to change. I'm done. I feel like I've been changed. Yes, BEEN changed, by these circumstances. I've let them get the better of me, something I don't usually do.
I've gotten a few remarks which I admitted to, again, something not everyone around me is used to seeing. The changes are in motion, things will be different from now on.

Here's to not keeping all your eggs in one basket.

For those of you who know what I mean...

What Happens to Time?

When Monday morning kicking off another day's work seamlessly morphs into a Monday morning kicking off another week. And while you're trying to think about it, why not? another month flies out the window and next thing you know you're left sitting on a metaphorical curb, head cradled in your hands, wondering what you've accomplished, if anything, during that hectic October you've just leaked ever so unsuspectingly.

Or when you meet your new pediatrics resident for the night's duty and realize that his father was actually the pediatrician who followed, treated, and probably terrorized you through the better part of your childhood, 0-18 years of age. In a puff of smoke.
Such a shame how far that apple falls from the tree... but I digress...

People are always afraid of losing time. Time, time, time.
"We're late, we need to hurry!" Of course. Time is gold.
"I'm growing old, look at these wrinkles" says she, in her mid-late 20's, dripping of youth and beauty as she speeds down a wrong way road to her plastic surgeon's office, stone-coldly ignoring all pleas for a healthy and graceful maturity that's still far far away.

But why? Why should I be so preoccupied with time, when the harder I try to save it, the more acutely aware I am of my helplessness toward it? Why can't I be less attached to that Monday? or to that October, or to that year that October has ruthlessly dragged down with it for the 28th time? And why can't I look back at my great 28 years in this world and smile, instead of looking just ahead, terrified of turning 30 in 2 years?
2 years. More like 2 Mondays, 2 more weeks, 2 more Octobers; it's all the same. Maybe that's why...

Meet me back at that curb...

Blind Item...

I've been waiting for 25 minutes for a 4 and a half minute YouTube video to load. It's half way there. Fingers crossed... I might take a break or a shower in the meantime... 512Kbps my @## :)

The Farce that is Lebanese Telecom...

"No one has noticed, but the Lebanese government is writing yet another chapter in the endless mockery of our rights as private citizens and social entrepreneurial agents of progress and change. The state is extending censorship over the remainder of our liberties into the last frontier of freedom – the internet and its supposed neutrality." - Imad Atalla, for the Daily Star on June 08, 2010.

Apparently Ogero is enforcing the Telecoms Law that bans VoIP (Voice over IP), the technology that enables internet users to make voice calls for reduced rates, and sometimes for free (IP to IP).

Sidewalk in Hamra

Hamra, Lebanon - June 2010

This is a response to "Sidewalk in Achrafieh" Posted on Blog Baladi a few days a go. I said I'd have a pic of sidewalks in Hamra for comparison... well here's what I was talking about...

Try negotiating the parked vehicles and avoiding the garbage juices on this lovely piece of Hamra property... Square footage pricing? Let's not mention that...

Stay tuned for sidewalks with construction material and bulldozers... Coming soon!

What's Lebanon's Stance on Slavery and Racism Again??

So here's another lie us self-righteous Lebanese tend to force feed ourselves. We don't condone slavery. We turn our backs to racism. Right?

Think again...

To your right is a nice classified ad for the exchange of a 1991 Dodge for a Sri Lankan domestic worker.

Please read No Maids in the Pool.

[Edit:This is to clarify that the classified is NOT in a Lebanese paper].

What more do we need? how much more disgrace, how much clearer does this picture need to be for the Lebanese to just shut the hell up and realize that we are probably the most self-absorbed, superficial, and prejudiced (oh yeah the list goes on...) people on the face of this planet?

I can only try and say how dumbfounded I was when I saw that classified. And in light of the no maids in pool article I can tell that it's only a matter of time before we find a few like these in our Lebanese media.

I really thought I'd have so much to say about this matter, so much to talk about and criticize, so many questions and so much eloquent rhetoric. Instead, I have only speechlessness, disbelief, and shame. I am ashamed of my country, ashamed of being Lebanese. This shame is growing by the day, exacerbated by the fake, smug, and holy stance that the Lebanese take on these and other matters.

Lebanese people are a friendly, welcoming, and humanitarian people. Or so would the media say. Of Course they do not tell you the whole story. I will stop here, too disgusted to continue writing.

Brilliant Recap on Religion

Came across this skit by George Carlin on religion and its shortcomings.

I know some of what he says may be a bit disrespectful and his language might be a bit raunchy. But look past this and you'll find a good argument. And a funny one!

I somehow identified with Carlin on this one. I was never a believer. Since childhood, and since I could remember having any sense of logic and my own opinion on a few things in life, I just couldn't get myself to accept the dogmata of religion. There always seemed to be just too many discrepancies, to many dissonant axioms for me to just believe blindly. And let's face it, blind faith is the requisite in this department.

So what Carlin says in this skit summarizes (very briefly) my views on religion.

One thing though is that I've always been sincerely respectful of people's beliefs, as I've said in earlier posts; what drives me out of my mind though are people who use the 'faith argument' in discussions to try and convince people of the validity of the God Theory and all that it entails. These are the only instances where anyone will hear me badmouthing religion (and not spirituality).

Yesterday was holy Thursday and I tagged along with milady and a few friends for the traditional 7-Church visit. "This isn't tourism", smiled L., who was all too aware of my views on the matter, "you should have some thoughts, maybe say an informal prayer here and there!"

The thing is, there were many, many thoughts entering my mind at the time. At every church visit, every time I walked into a church since I was a kid, I would start thinking and thinking. Wondering, asking myself questions. Questions and thoughts about how people seemed taken and immersed in their belief, and the sense of their trance-like state. Every time, the experience is touching to say the least. And every now and then, I felt like one or two of my thoughts were of my family and loved ones, and these were the thoughts that I felt were somehow 'emitted' or 'sent off' without me necessarily wanting them to, in some raw and random hope that someone really is up there. But... you know the rest. These feelings and thoughts never consolidated into anything more powerful and for me, I don't know. I guess something more compelling will have to happen for religion to have a better chance with me. Don't ask what.

So please for those of you who will view this video, don't be outraged and blinded by a few bad words and scream blasphemy!

Drafts from the Past

For a few days now, I'd been wondering how to get back on the blogging track. For me it's one of those times when you have a lot to write, but not enough time. So much to write you can't just cram it into one post and expect it to make sense... So I thought why not see what I had been up to before my unjustified hiatus...

Here's to fishing a few drafts from the past, a few posts that were never posted. Figured we'd go from there!

August 22, 2009 - A Med Student's First Patient Crush

"Well here it is. It finally happened... It had to, I guess it was only a matter of time. I guess it's always only a matter of time before any med student gets infatuated with one of his patients. I had to check on a total of 6 patients yesterday, and these include two patients from my previous post.

So after a long on-call day at the hospital, I get beeped for my last admission of the day. I thought to myself, "here we go. One more intestinal obstruction or jaundiced patient and I'll be on my way..." And so I got to 7 South. I saw Dr. K (one of our residents) and R. (a visiting student from Syria) at the end of the long hallway leading to the desk. As I got closer, I started hearing tidbits of what they were saying, and the little that I could put together was "She's status post whipple procedure in 2007".

When I heard this, I tought "ok, here comes another 90 year-old... [end of draft]"

September 26, 2009 - Enraged Med Student Slays Many in Elevator Frenzy.

"What is wrong with people? What is wrong with Lebanese literacy? what is wrong with normal psychomotor and cognitive development?

You're probably wondering why I'm asking these questions... Well let's see. In order of appearance and respectively, here's what they... [end of draft]"

November 6, 2009 - Some Will Never Learn...

"Ever wonder why you seem to keep making the same mistakes... [end of draft]"

December 24, 2009 - Wandering Attention, You're Welcome

It's 2 am and I'm awake, wondering what it is that drives the seemingly coincidental encounters, the apparently arbitrary events, large and small, that seem to just explode in apparent randomness until they inevitably crash back together and make up that mess that we call life... [end of draft]

I had been thinking about a few of these posts, the few worth posting, that is, and wishing I had posted them when I remembered more of what made them worth writing. But I have to say that while a bunch of fine-script details are lost to hazy recall, some memories are tenacious and come out vividly as soon as they are elicited.

Like L., my 26 year-old patient with not only the most intriguing and sorrow-inspiring medical history and problems, but also with the most unforgettable face and big blue eyes and out of this world sweetness one could imagine. One of the many patients I will never forget.

Or that insane feeling I get everytime I get in the elevator at AUH and people start pushing and shoving to get in before anyone has a chance to get out. When they look in at some of us 'elevator insiders' and ask: "Going up?" with that bewildered look on their faces! And finally, when stuck in a packed elevator for 10 floors with a stop at each and every single floor with agonizing slowness and the same sketch of pushing, shoving, and moronic questions, the nice feel of less-than perfect hygiene: the 9 out of 10 people with breath odors prompting the eloquent question: "WTF???" and let's not forget the 8 out of 10 people with body odors worthy of wildebeest! I used to think about that frenzy every day! "LOOK OUTSIDE YOU MORON! THERE'S A LARGE ARROW POINTING EITHER UP OR DOWN! AND GUESS WHERE THAT !@@#$% ELEVATOR'S GOING!! AND TAKE A GOD!@#$ SHOWER AND BRUSH YOUR GOD AWFUL TEETH!" Oh that felt good!

As for the last two drafts, I can't seem to remember what I was on about. I'm sure it would have been interesting though!

Ok so there was my flashback. My way of dotting the i's and crossing the t's paving the way for a few more memories fished from the past as I catch up.

It's back...

I just realized I had missed the winter! There's nothing better than holding a boiling hot cup of tea in front of the chimney in my room watching that insane november rain slither down the glass.
Ok so I don't really have a chimney in my room, but I definitely have a glass window! And a reasonably warm cup of tea. But hey, I can dream can't I??

Off to work now. We have a new team of residents/interns coming in today so I'm afraid It's gonna be a long one... Can't even start to imagine what traffic's gonna be like in this insane weather!
Have a good winter everyone!

Yesterday, the day it all went wrong...

Have you ever felt like a stone surrounded by glass? Like you couldn't make a move without something or everything shattering and crumbling down in a deafening rumble and screaming racket? Minutes or seconds later, you look back: nothing more than a hole in the ground, where once all the great plans you had just built up seconds -or years- ago stood tall. Nothing left... Be it an hour, a day, or an entire lifetime, actions and their consequences are the same. Well at least they act the same. With a little hindsight on things that have happened in my life as far back as 15 years ago, or as recently as yesterday, I realize how strong and steady of a truth it is that when you make decisions, life starts moving so fast that it's not like you're moving through it anymore. It just starts happening to you.
It's strange to realize that this holds true at all scales... Whether it's your career choice, or that crush you decide to finaly do something about after so much hesitation. You just make the slightest move and it puts in motion some restless unstoppable mechanism, like thousands of cogwheels all spinning, each at its own speed, but all equally inexorable in their relentless thundering stride toward that common end point, like an army marching to the Valkyrie.

Here we go. I didn't know I was on one of my late night ramblings again... I didn't get the memo! I'm rambling again. It must be the melancholy found in the resignation to a few concequences of a choice made in the past, no matter how distant, with a certain goal in the future, no matter how remote.

3 measures of disappointment, 6 of complete and utter disgust, and 1 sole surviving, waning measure of excitement...

So is med school everything I expected it would be? a sad, resounding NO... I remember a time, some 10 years ago, when this was everything I wanted, everything I ever dreamt of accomplishing in my senseless quasi hedonistic existence.

My journey In a nutshell: I wasted 2 years of my life "trying out" in the French system, to no avail. 3 years spent in undergrad, another year lost waiting for application periods, both for undergrad, and medical school admission. And now, almost two years into my medical curriculum. Yes, I've been going to classes and sitting for exams for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS, and I'm not done yet! "Wow, I heard people say, you must be pretty determined"... well, now, I would say: "one wonders, really". But why?

I wouldn't know where to start. So here are my jumbled and chaotic headlines and axes of thought: Do I begin with the ridiculous abuse that we're put through? with these unfathomable characters that professors and outsiders call our classmates?with the self-proclaimed world class, but the sometimes patently absurd administrative process in (my) medical school? the list goes on... Short questions with long, or no answers. so read on...