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Showing posts with label Med II. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Med II. Show all posts

Saturday, July 7, 2012

And Light There Was...

How about a trip to the past? Let's go back to the beginning... Doubtful that anyone but my dear La Colleague will remember this: And Let There Be Light

It's been 5 years. 5 completed years of ups, downs, and all kinds of craziness...
4 years of med school, 1 hell of an intern year, at first and in prospect seemed like ages, but now, in retrospect, nothing more than a few years in memory.

Faithful readers will know the meaning of the word "Checkpoints" in my posts. Well this is a checkpoint if there ever was one. The end of the intern year. The end of one hell of a year that's been the one and only time I have ever questioned my choice of career. Gone. And not a minute too soon. But with the pleasure and euphoria found in a savagely hard fought victory over it, came the sadness of another turning point in life. A turning point where all - yes, all - of my class friends (so much more than just classmates) have packed up and left for residencies in the states, leaving me with another round of fighting with my sense that I might want to do the same. And this is where my mind wanders off into a land of what ifs, buts, and alsos, driving me further into this wicked cycle of thought that I will not bore you with.
What it boils down to, though, is the impossible difficulty of accessing a surgical residency program in the US. Sure enough, none of my friends who are leaving have chosen surgery, and happily all of them were lucky to get the match for an out of this world opportunity for life and career. Kudos to them all.

For Gracie, for Mayssam
So here we are, gone each in his/her direction. In the 'hecticity' of it all, there seemed to be so little time for us to get to do any real talking, the only thing you and I are any good at. So I had little or no opportunity to say what a great 5 years these have been. And I know that I will, sometime, or as we say so untruthfully here in Lebanon... Tomorrow, or where 99.9% of human productivity, motivation, and achievement is stored.


Love, always.


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Our Humble Beginnings... Who Are We?

It is a the end of this one-month vacation that I realize that we are at a new checkpoint. For those of you who remember, I was rambling about time and how we seem to be pissing it away by the years and decades without even wondering where it went. But today, I stand before you a changed man *grin*. Changed by the beneficial effects of that exquisitely inculpating farniente month that just seemed to rain down from the heavens. And is difference a beauty or what?

Here, we're contemplating the onset of a new, 2-year era, a new setting and a new context in our lives, as we peer through that door, ajar, on the threshold between books + exams on the one hand, and the patients + associated responsibilities + real medical practice on the other. On Monday, tomorrow, we begin our 2 clinical years, as well as the beginning of the second half -and end- of our medical training.
It is at this opportune time that I started thinking back 2 years ago. When Le and La Colleague were nothing but strangers to one another, and I thought I'd catch us up on how it started... For simplicity, I will be Le Colleague, and La colleague will be the "She".

Some time around the end of August, 2007, the first day of med school for 83 students from AUB, adding 2 from universities abroad. She was one of these two. The first time I laid eyes on her, I knew that our love story had begun. REALLY??? Wait it's that glass of whiskey talking. Let me rephrase. Hmm... let's see. She was hanging out with the wrong crowd -as wrong as it gets if you ask me-, she dressed funny but I've never told her, hair looked funny but I've never told her... -need I say more?- we were casually introduced, and I looked away and made no note of it, just another med student in the sea...
The next few days didn't get any better, as we had our first meaningful encounter at the Saab Medical Library. If memory serves right, someone was on the phone *cough* and another someone was all pissy and "please can you keep it down?" with a serious frown and "woe is me" (La Colleague 2007). It was all downhill until we had one crucial conversation at main gate during that skipped class (what was it again?); that conversation was to prove a landmark, a milestone without which no further contact would have been made. That made me realize back then: hmmm... we may be on to something there...

Here's to you...

Keeping the story short, we sure have come a long way since then, La Colleague became La Friend, and perhaps La Baby Sister (although there's nothing baby about her, so don't get me wrong on this) and now as we look ahead for even better times, I can't imagine how everything would have turned out if she hadn't been so interesting to talk to on that fateful day at the gate. Ups, downs, crazy days, relaxed times, easy sailing and rough seas, we've seen it all, and I don't see why anything would change.
I don't know about you, but it's just sinking in right now; the day before the beginning, before we start getting the feel of real medicine, and I couldn't be more excited if I tried. So here's to another 2-year batch of heaven and hell, and many many more to come.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The End of Med II - A Rough Start...

There could not have been a worse start to a summer vacation. Especially this one, supposedly a godsend toward the beginning of the end of the 7-year medical curriculum, a turning point in the way evertyhing is done. No more classes or stupid exams, only hospital clerkships and real healthcare work -if we can call it healthcare in this country, not really,  but I digress... A month's vacation after a year of hell. If I were to find a way to relate to you what this feels like, I'd tell you to imagine being held captive and tortured with electricity, razor blades, and dripping water for a whole year (because that's all that Med II turned out to be), and then instantly and with absolutely no idea of what's going on, being released on a sandy beach on an insanely sunny day, favorite drink in hand, and then somehow having all the relief, the abatement of torture, and the solace one should find in overcoming such an enormous obstacle, somehow wane and wither in your disbelief-stricken face. Somehow, and quicker than I could realize, something got lost, something just didn't feel right, a few things happened that were not supposed to, more than one thing, actually, and that turned the whole experience inside out. I don't feel it anymore, and I feel that all the hype, the expectations, the hope and anticipation that led up to that Friday when it all ended, have all been turned inside out and their bad parts exposed. Much less excitement now, much less expected.
If I have learned one thing from all this, it's that some realizations stop you in your tracks, like when you realize that you have a bad case of the stockholm syndrome, while others seem to get you going, if only for a little while before they atrociously live up to their time-proven tendency to turn back and bite your hand when least expected, so be ready. 

Be ready... It's time I learned that, but this hit me like a truck going 1000 miles an hour.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Today Is Mine, All Mine!

I woke up about a half hour ago. Today is the last day of classes before a our long ‘vacation’; another word for Friday and Monday off, prolonged weekend if you will. Med II is almost over. Most will tell you that it’s all downhill from there. 4 exams left in the countdown, that’s four more weeks of hell and it’s over. We made it. I can feel it, I can smell the clinical years coming! I’m too tired to get up. Yes, way too tired to get up, take my daily morning shower, get in my car, let the engine warm up for 4-6 minutes, drive 20 Km, 15-20 minutes, park in that extravagantly overpriced underground parking lot, get the [first of my two daily] poisonous double espresso[s] from Fadi’s (coming soon), waste 30-45 minutes either with M. when she’s here on time, or in the computer lab, and go to class from 8:00 to 12:00 am, have lunch, and go to class again from 1:00 to about 4:00 pm depending on what day of the week it is. What more can I expect from just another day in college? What else? what, other than the relentless tide of expected events and incidents, usual occurrences and pleasantries, hypocritical moments, complaints, and whining? Not much.

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You know what? I’m not going. Screw this. As you can probably see I spent the better half of yesterday snapping pictures in class with utter disregard to our lovely professors and their feelings. There’s no point in going today. I need a break. A long one, we all do. When the end is so close, you just feel like letting go. I want to let go. Today, I’m getting in my car, and taking a different road, because I can, because I want to. I don’t care what happens, or how the day unfolds, it’s all on the table. I’m buying DVDs, seeing an old friend, driving senselessly, I don’t care, today is mine and I’ll do anything with it that I see fit.

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Pictures taken: April 15, 2009, 9:03 PM.

Can you tell what I’m writing? That’s it. I’m going for it. It’s done. Going outside to check what’s the weather like…




No. I don’t like the weather… Pretty bad-looking clouds threaten… But it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the mood. M., oh colleague, sorry I ditched you. This reminds me of that day we don’t speak of! :)

Monday, April 6, 2009

Another Sunday Night, Monday Morning?

Yes... here we go again. And no, I'm not whining this time. Wow! Is it numbness to stress? Learned helplessness to the runaway clock? No, not really. Just feeling indifferent and disinterested this time around I guess. When I stay up late in my room, I feel like I'm getting hints of what's going on outside during the late hours of the night. These samples come in the form of distracting but interesting noises ranging from the rumble of an 18-wheeler driving by Southbound, to the engine screams and tire shrieks courtesy of that maniacal neighbor in his "watwat (Arabic for 'bat')" Beemer (Lebanese Jargon for the late 80's model BMW 3 Series Coupé) driving donuts round the conveniently empty intersection a couple hundred meters from my home, to the essentially worrisome, reassuringly distant, but worryingly nomadic sound of machine gun fire disturbing the peaceful moonlit night (YES, true story!). Did I mention it was past 3:00 am? Quite interesting, really! Most days of the week I'm fast asleep, clenched fists, and completely oblivious to everything that might be going on outside! I should do this more often!
For the curious among you, here's what my desk looks like tonight. Quite the way to spend the better part of the night, huh? I want to be about 20 Km away, drink in hand.

Ok enough with the night-time daydreaming. The noise has subsided. Screw this week's exam I'm going to bed!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Now Two Different Persons...

I remember the hype right before the Christmas break last December. I remember how I felt, on our last day of classes before our 14-day (or so) break. (Needless to say that a 14-day break in Med School is nothing short of a trip to heaven).
I felt light. Relieved. Granted, It was not my first time looking forward to a long awaited, much needed break, and yet, the feeling was unique in a way that I cannot put to words. December 24, 2008, we went out for lunch, a bunch of close friends/select classmates, meeting with expatriated childhood friends who had just flown in from respective countries, and the atmosphere was just fantastic. I felt light. relieved. I felt different, and silently baffled at how good it felt to feel different, and how long it had been since my last similar moment. A glass of wine helped. Later on it took a bunch of my friends, who noticed the difference, a few minutes to describe to me how they saw me from the outside. They said I was a different person when I was taken out of the academic atmosphere. The atmosphere of constant stress, constant information binging, and constant evaluation and scrutiny. Apparently there are more smiles, pleasantness, jokes, and less worrying. That made me a different person. So what's unique about that? Everyone is different under stress right? The problem is, this was the perception that I had of my personality, and it was supposed to be the case no matter what the context. My affect in this atmosphere was supposed to be unchanged no matter what. I made sure of it, and was complimented on it by many friends. I am now different. Apparently I cannot maintain my laid back character anymore. Things get to me more easily now.
When did I change? How and when did I change so much? And could I have changed so much without even noticing? Not the slightest clue! I don't know... It's hard to sum up, and hard to pinpoint exactly when or how this change occurred. That's Med School for you. I guess the last 2 years of my life have gone by in a flash. And a flash may even be too long... that's how fast, yes. I can't help but carry this thought further back into the dark alleyways of my memory and try to remember the last 'checkpoint' in my life that feels genuinely distant in time. I can't find one. I could wind up all of the 26, soon to be 27 years of my life in a heartbeat, and It's a frightening feeling.
So here I am, on another one of my late-night musings, typing away with a Gastro-Enterology book obstructing my reach, thinking that oddly enough, it is now Monday morning, rather than Sunday night, rather than Saturday afternoon... Where did my weekend go? Might as well have been last Monday, the one before that or the one before... Same difference... Yes, here I am, Monday, March 23, 2009, at 1:35 AM, with a lost track of time, anticipating (for a change) the change that I'm about to exhibit "tomorrow": Friends have flown in, exams will have let off for a little while (Upcoming exam in exactly 6 hours and 25 minutes).
I wonder what's in store this time...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Rien Ne S'arrête.

Here it is March 20, a long way from March 20, 2008...

And as I struggle to relive those carefree days, I sit and wonder, when did I stop having time? The one thing we are sure to have, the one thing we take for granted. I lost it. I lost Time. I lost the absolute concept of it.

Medical students are so consumed by their lifestyle and their studies, they forget that unfortunately the world is still evolving. Until it hits you. Until you get that phone call that your friend died, or that A. needs to go to the hospital because his cancer metastasized. What do you do next? How do you explain to your teacher that you couldn't study, or that you cannot attend said lecture or exam because A. could only see his physician at that particular time. How do you manage? How many times will you curse that garbage truck you're stuck behind because it is stealing precious minutes of your once insignificant time. Minutes you started counting and regretting once it was too late, once you realized they were gone.

Rien ne s'arrête
D'autres vies continuent
D'autres parler sans taire
Pour ceux qui se sont tus
Rien ne s'arrête

--Patricia Kaas, Rien Ne S'arrête.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pediatrics... Uh-Oh!

I've been wanting to write this for a while now but it's just been a hectic couple of weeks what with the classes, both skipped and attended, the exams, both near misses and lucky escapes.
So here's another foray into the earliest clinical experiences and their impact on a confused med student shopping for a marginally successful career.

I've always struggled to understand kids. I'm only consoled by the mutuality of this feeling when it comes to my younger brother and sister, my younger cousins etc... There's always been animosity and for a reason. I don't seem to get them. Trouble inexorably ensued!! For me, as far as kids are concerned, no one could have said it better than the late Bernie Mac: "...Oh shit come help me babysit these m*****f******s..."! I know that to the baby lovers and kid huggers among you I'm gonna sound like a Neanderthal but I'm banking on an outside chance of a few of you feeling about the same way that I do; so I'm out on a limb I guess...

10:15 am - Visit # 1 - The Regular Checkup for the Obnoxious Fat Boy
Phase 1 - 5 year-old kid walks in with his mom. A 2-minute dialogue between the physician and the kid's mom about diet, playtime habits, and vaccines follows.
Phase 2 - Physician invites kid and mom into exam room.
Phase 3 - Kid enters battle mode and seems to latch on to his mother's leg in a grip worthy of the most intractable centipede dead-locks!
Phase 4 - Kid is now on the exam table - don't ask how that happened - screaming his little butt off while physician desperately tries to hear something in between the groans and moans with the stethoscope, as the kid gasps for breath.
Phase 5 - Physical complete. Physician calls for the nurse with the vaccines (I named her the Shoot'em'up lady).
Phase 6 - Shoot'em'up lady comes in, tray in hand, with 2 shots worth of vaccines. "One in each arm please", says physician.
Phase 7 - All hell breaks loose as Shoot'em'up lady pricks the kid once and another time. Me watching, worried that the little demon's gonna fidget one time too many and break the needle off in his flesh with dire consequences. Shoot'em'up lady's job? Not for the faint hearted!
Phase 8 - Shoot'em'up lady in the sweetest of voices: "there all done! That was not that bad now was it?" Me in the corner, trying not to puke.
Phase 9 - Physician declares the session over, gives the kid a lollipop. On to the next one!

10:35 am - Visit # 2 - The Regular Checkup for the Demonic little girl
Same as above. Please replace "5-year old" with "4-year old", "mom" with "dad", "his, he, him..." with "her, she, her...", and "all hell breaks loose" with "My eardrums burst" and that's about it, all the rest is essentially unchanged.

10:50 am - Visit # 3 - The Regular Checkup for the Sweetest Thing that Has Ever Existed (now that's a change of pace!)
A 2 month-old baby girl with the face of an angel. Brought in by her mom and grandmother. Onto the exam table after the formalities of phases 1 and 2, she lay silent, her fists clenched and her tiny arms and legs twitching from time to time. Her big grey eyes desperately looking for something to focus on apart from the bright overhead light. The physician examined her, looked at me and said suggestively: "she has a very faint murmur you should hear." Even her guardians were nice and joked around, and actually acknowledged my presence, something no other parent/guardian managed to pull off, the physician's failure to introduce me as his apprentice notwithstanding, talk about professionalism! Would it be too much of an effort to say this is R., He's going to be learning with us today, please don't be freaked out by his curious eyes... but I digress... So here I was, awestruck, in front of a silent pediatrics patient, until, you guessed it, Shoot'em'up lady came in and screwed everything up with one little prick.

11:05 am - Visit # 4 - The Regular Checkup for the 2 Girls From Hell
This one was a bit funny, I have to admit. The older of the two went first. After a typical phase 1, phase 2, and phase 3, came a rather peculiar phase 4:
-Physician: "Let's see what's in your ears now all right?"
-Little girl, tears in her eyes, pouts and answers: "no. there's nothing there I checked!" I cracked a smile.
After going through phases 1 through 8, with the ruckus and the rivers of tears I had now adapted to, she looked at her sister (now in phase 4, the worst) who was screaming so hard that I was afraid her eyes were going to pop out. And then, in a condescending tone, one that flaunted her newly acquired wisdom to her sister, she quipped: "khalas! ma 3am ya3mellik shi! lesh 3am tebke??" translation: "Stop crying! what's the problem they're not doing anything to you!" I couldn't help but laugh, look at the Dad and say "oh, now she's wise!". The dad nodded, threw a fake smile my way and went on to talk to the doctor.

That visit ended at around 11:45. Another short uneventful visit (uneventful only meaning not any more eventful than the other visits, because you may imagine that there is no such thing as an uneventful visit to the pediatrician's!) and it was time for me to head out. And as I was getting ready to do so, the attending, having noticed my expressions of boredom and anguish, smiled and said: "It's a lot of repetition, this specialty." So I smiled back and said nothing. What could I say? "Yeah Doc it was nice watching you play and toss your stethoscope up and down while the nurse did all the real work" ? hehe no, I don't think so.

For me, it was an interesting experience, to be honest. Sure, for the most part all I could do is think about the best ways to shut the kids up, and these included hammers, fists, screaming in anger, but also, I have to admit that a nice strawberry lollipop and a reassuring kiss on the forehead went a long way sometimes. So what am I saying here? Hold on... I'm not so sure anymore! I mean when I started concocting this thing you're reading I imagined it ending very differently. Somewhere along the lines of "Kill the bastards", or "Fucking kids!" or... you get the drift... But as it turns out, I am just realizing now, as I'm typing, maybe I don't hate the little buggers as much as I used to... Maybe I did think that the little wise-ass girl was funny and cute, or that the helpless silent baby girl was just to die for... I must be growing up. Go figure. Well some of my closest friends would say: "it's about time"...

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Tell That To The Patient!

Presenting Le et La Colleague on their glorious day off.



What do two model medical students do when it's sunny out?
-They ditch med school and head to Faraya!

Monday, February 16, 2009

The 3:00 A.M. Outlook

It's 3:00 A.M. and I find myself thrashing in my Renal Pathology slides trying to make things stick, and what better, more potent distraction than the seemingly grim outlook on life, career, and future as looked at through the pessimistically polarized prism of present dissatisfaction and knowingly unjustified fears of complete, utter, and miserable failure? I've told people repeatedly, and I've been told repeatedly, that life just has a way of working out in the end, but somehow, for some reason I just can't see it right now. Sometimes, instead of fears of complete, utter, and miserable failure, you get scared of a life that ends up being sub par, somewhere below self-set standards and ambitions and it's just as scary when so much time and effort has been put on the line. The obstacles are just too many and the premonitions too ominous for even an optimist such as yours truly to overlook... well they are, at least during a 3:00 A.M. last minute cramming session... I need my sleep.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Blind Item

Would you wonder what the hell is wrong with people?
When a fully equipped Emergency Exam Room in our proud ER is transformed into a waiting room to accommodate the tens of people, family/visitors that come in with the patient! Screw the monitors, screw the MedVac lines, and everything else of medical value, everything that could help save a life in an incoming emergency, because we need to get all these people out of the Doctors's way!! 8 brand new chairs in that room.
Only in Lebanon.

Did I mention the very comfortable, purpose-built waiting room exactly 10 meters away from that makeshift lounge? It's got a vending machine too!
I wonder...

Friday, February 6, 2009

The First Clinical Experiences

Towards the middle/beginning of the end of Med II, medical students are supposed to go on these so called 'Shadowing' sessions with the practitioners of health care; their mentors, superiors, attending physicians, whatever you want to call them. This is some kind of apprenticeship for more clarity... Needless to say, almost all medical students are tired of sitting in class and sitting for exam after exam after exam every week by that time of the curriculum (Med II is the last predominantly didactic year in the med curriculum). So these eagerly awaited sessions are the very first opportunities we get to see actual patients, and understand and witness how, and sometimes whether, what we learn in the classroom is brought to fruition in the real world.
I thought I'd share my experience with my first few 'encounters'...

Med Students and General Trends

So these sessions are generally very rewarding for med students. Well at least they should be. After all, these are the first few times we are exposed to the workings of the health care system and get a chance to experience a touch of what it feels like to be a "Doctor". Remembering the day of our absolute first PD (Physical Diagnosis) rotation, it was a day like no other! Everyone was dressed to impress, the ties, the suits, and the button down shirts -why? we have a formal dress code in our Medical Center (MC) - made it feel more like going to a wedding reception than to class! Right then and there the impressions began to rush into my mind as the personalities, values and norms became more and more public in our prided med students. I can't help but smile as I type this, because I'm remembering my thought process as I saw and analyzed the reactions and moods among the students (myself and my own included, see below). A select few couldn't care less, and it was just another day at the office for them; "...to hell with the dress code I'm wearing my sneakers today!". To others it meant a slight bit more, as I could tell from the tidiness with which their ties were tied, how neatly their shirts were tucked under their pants; nothing too excessive here, just a different mood you don't see everyday. Still others made a complete, full-fledged rite of passage of the matter and there was a billboard above their heads, piloned to their shoulders, that said "M.D." That stayed on long after the rotation was concluded. The billboard, naturally, came with the awfully unusual and unexpectedly excessive and outright creepy fake friendliness they greeted other, more 'normal' people as well as their colleagues with, not to mention their glue-on, fake, arrogantly proud, or maybe proudly arrogant ear to ear smiles that lasted for hours on end... Some found it would be cute to dangle their stethoscopes around their collars, even among those who were on the dermatology or ophthalmology rotations. Of course, these same students also thought it would be even cuter to keep their lab coats on after they left the hospital, and to flaunt their newly found glory and self-satisfaction and self-approval at the university's main gate and around the better part of the whole campus. Id tags and stethoscopes dangling from lab coat and shirt collars, respectively-and here you err into the nature and discussion of pride, status and meaning of the white apron and stethoscope, the social impressions, the implications and how fake and stupid they may be, but I digress...

My Personal Experience; and a Bit of Introspection to Go...

That morning, I woke up a bit earlier than usual. I can't deny the excitement, the expectations that I had on a day that was a bit more... important?... no... perhaps I should say, a bit different than other days. I put on my new shirt, my new tie, with the pants that I wore to my uncle's wedding some year or two ago. Here's a dead giveaway; my tie was very tidily tied, after all "A well tied tie is the first serious step in life" according to Oscar Wilde! So I left home in a mood that felt brand new. A mood that just seemed to put everything else that was going on at that time on hold. The stressors, the studying, the few nearly failed exams and the financial troubles; everything that had been restlessly gnawing at my brain since even before the day I started med school, was simply swept aside as the new order of the day was to discover what this excitement was all about. Also on my mind was what it would be like to see the inner workings of our MC, to see patients and cases from that new perspective! I can't remember ever starting a day like that before. After a serene 6:00 AM drive to university, a one-hour session of caffeine-kick starting to my system, and an Immunology lecture from 8:00 to 9:00, it was finally time to go to the Ophthalmology department at the AUB MC!

Here, I would have loved to say that the session was a fantastic, life altering experience because not only would that have been wonderful for me to write about, and for you to read, but it would also have been a perfect culmination to everything I've said before. But sadly it would be a lie. The fact is that it was a 35-minute session of show and tell. The ophthalmologist in charge of our group just sat there and force-fed us a review of the anatomy and histology of the eye... and then showed us around saying "oh this machine does this, that one does that..." and a bit of "I know so much more than you do!"... such a disappointment, especially when we got to see the other groups coming right out of Cardiology, ENT (Ear Nose Throat), etc... with their stories and now-even-wider fake smiles! The stuff that I do wanna write about, however, came in subsequent rotations so let's skip to those!
There are two patient encounters that really stuck with me. Two patients that made me realize how thirsty for knowledge we medical students are. Let me start from the end and say that as we got out of the respective rotations in ENT and Dermatology, we were blown away. Blown away, yes, but why? Because in the words of the human embodiment of high-end refinement that is the medical student and future Healer, "it was so cool. it was so interesting, a great case to start off with!" It is here, and after long thought, that I felt something was off and I lost a bit more faith in the medical community... Why? one would ask what the big deal was... I mean I've been rambling about how these experiences are what we've been looking forward to for years and years, why is is such a problem that they turned out 'cool and interesting'? Let me put things into perspective:

Case 1: the very cool case in ENT
A 5 month old baby girl referred to the OPD because she had intranasal obstruction and externally visible swelling over the upper part of the nose. After clear fluid started dripping from her nostrils, an MRI was requested and revealed an invasive mass that had worked its way up through the cribriform plate and into her brain, which explained the Cerebro-Spinal Fluid (CSF) drainage.

Case 2: the very interesting case in Dermatology
A 25 year old man (M.S.) that had a Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT) came to the OPD accompanied by his mother with a generalized exfoliative rash. One of the first signs of Graft Versus Host Disease (GVHD). In his own words: "I had a BMT exactly 120 days ago and this rash has developed lately [...] I'm worried about GVHD and we need to take biopsies[...]".

The implications of these problems/complications that the patients encountered are devastating. Really I don't think I have to explain to the lay person that a tumor reaching and invading the brain is bad. On the other hand GVHD is a complication of immune competent cell transplantation (Bone Marrow and sometimes blood transfusions) in which the grafted/transplanted cells mount an immune response against host tissue, often resulting in multiple organ failure and death. And to see M.S. and how he was handling something he knew so much about was a sobering experience to say the least. He started talking about his condition and throwing the acronyms around, telling the doctor which meds he was on by active ingredient and mode of action! It took me a few minutes to reach back into my rusty and dusty immunology memory and figure out what the hell he was talking about! I was afraid to make an ass of myself if the doctor asked me a question! Skinny M.S. looked tired, and when he undressed to show his rash, the scars scattered on his spent body told the tale of the time he spent on the operating tables. The dermatologist added two more as he biopsied his skin in two places. "I'll call you in a few days and let you know what turns up!" he said to MS. I left the clinic and never heard about MS again.
And there we were, a few hours later, with our "cool" and "interesting" and ooh my case was more interesting and bloody than yours, about life threatening and life altering complications that destroyed lives of patients and their families. That's right, I finally know what a GVHD rash and patient look like, and how a tumor can work its indiscriminate murderous magic! But it's the meagerness of our reactions to these catastrophes, and just how insipid and trivial we made them seem, that gets to me...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Trying to keep track...

It's a few days before an enormous endocrinology exam, the last one before our precious 10-day Christmas vacation and I feel like I need a few more of me to keep track... A new beginning, for one, and the good old friends are flying back in one by one with nothing but fun and games on their minds, meanwhile my desk awaits back home, with handouts, books, and highlighters strewn in a chaos worthy of wartime and scarred battlefields. Thoughts and prospects of Christmas shopping, the lunches, the dinners, the invitations and family obligations. And so little time...
Suggestions?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Future Doctors! (Part II)

If you haven't already done so, please read Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Future Doctors! (Part I)

The Problem With Medical School "Bookwormindia" (Thanks La Colleague!)

You can sit here for hours and preach to me about how crucial a doctor's knowledge and mastery of the science involved in the medical profession is. In fact, there would be little sense in disagreeing with this statement, and saying that the sheer volume of knowledge expected from us is overwhelming would still be a gross understatement, as any medical student would tell you. That knowledge, however, or rather acquiring that knowledge in so little time, comes at a price... One needs to stop and look back at what this knowledge takes away from us. Outrageous! How can knowledge and learning be detrimental to one's character?
If that's what you're thinking then I need to clarify that it is not knowledge that is doing all this harm. Like I said in part I of this long dissertation, our system inexorably favors the competitive bookworms over the less studious, but very often much more passionate learners, who have come to terms with the notion that there are other things to do in life than sitting and rocking in front of an anatomy textbook, chanting names of muscles and nerves in a trance-like state reminiscent of some of the worst psychotic disorders known to man (oh yes, we've all seen it). And by other things I mean anything, really, anything that would conceivably help build character, that would take the mind away from books, grades, and class ranking for even a few hours a week, in other words, things that would make sure that this or that person would be able to function even minimally well in situations that don't involve regurgitating information on a multiple choice exam answer sheet. But no. Who needs these activities? I mean God forbid someone spend a few hours a week at the gym to keep in shape, a few half hours (you can use this as a unit if hours just seem too long and dramatic for comfort!) relaxing on a marginally comfortable bar stool sipping on some good old scotch with some good old friends, or, at any rate, doing anything they wouldn't be able to put on their CV... And God forbid this knock one a few places down the class ranking!!! How, please answer me, HOW, for the love of God, can one make such an enormous sacrifice upon the altar of well-being, culture and sophistication!!? This is so sad... for I believe it is these mundane, stupid things of everyday life, that stupid senseless motocross hobby you took up, that passion for photography that keeps kicking you in the back of your mind whenever your see a beautiful lady or a stupid leaf, or whatever you can think of, to do in self-administered free time, it is these things that make a person who they are.
So who are your future Doctors? Well, with few exceptions, they are the most self-absorbed, grade/ranking-oriented, cynical hyperlearners you can imagine...

Cynicism in Medical Students... An Early Beginning and a Head Start

What is the image ascribed to a medical student? What image does someone who knows nothing about the inner workings, shortcomings, and catastrophes of our medical system, hold, concerning a medical student? Well that someone should conceivably say that a medical student would have to be someone with passion towards helping others; an at least minimally altruistic, minimally passionate human being with some minimal notion of respect for life, humanity, and healthcare ethics. I mean, these, after all, are good traits -among others of course- for someone to have if they have chosen medicine as a career. Somehow, for us insiders of the medical world and community, however, it is difficult to maintain the idealistic image of medicine that we have developed as teenagers, especially as we progress further and further along our training and pick up bits and pieces of disappointment, mishaps and gaffes along the way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this phenomenon, and I'm sure that even the most passionate volunteer healers will agree that something is bound to be lost. You see or hear about a patient being thrown out of a hospital in a less-than-dignified manner because his insurance would not cover his expenses, you see a breach of confidentiality here or there, etc... and you start thinking, maybe this isn't such a perfect world after all! Let's call this the theory of disillusionment for later reference (I have a theory! go figure!).
The degree of disillusionment varies among students, depending on character, personality, and personal background... nothing to worry about, as this is a well documented change experienced by medical students around the world. As I've read in a British Medical Journal somewhere on the net, in study results, cynicism arose among medical students most often a result of patient deaths leading to feelings of general helplessness, or of students observing their once idealized mentors and superiors conduct themselves in manners not becoming of their highly respected positions, etc... getting down and dirty, so to speak. But most importantly, feelings of general cynicism tend to begin mostly in med III and med IV, when students are put in charge -under supervision- of patients and become an integral part of the healthcare system. What one really needs to worry about is the end result, the view and status of a medical student's mind as she/he gets ready to begin practicing medicine. Let me explain.
So what's the problem in my class? In my very humble opinion, most students are in the wrong discipline for the wrong reasons. These have chosen medicine as a career for all the wrong reasons, by their own acknowledgment. Here are a few of these reasons as sampled from our proud Lebanese society's norms and standards: Q: why did you choose medicine? A1: I had the grades to get accepted, so why not? A2: It's a good investment, I want to be rich! A3: It's prestigious! and I'll leave the rest to your imagination. The thing is, none of these reasons, when amalgamated with other, more 'legitimate' motives, would be branded the 'wrong' reason to go into medicine. Even a student with high hopes and passion for helping others, for example, can still legitimately relish the prospect of being called a doctor and being treated with the respect associated with this truly prestigious position. After all, it is only fair that recognition be granted to someone for successfully completing the strenuous exercise of discipline, perseverance, and determination that is the medical curriculum. However, it is when the only reasons behind one's choice of career are the wrong reasons, that arise the problems of cynicism, among a plethora of other issues that I will not indulge in enumerating and debating. And going back to the question at the beginning of this paragraph, It is my answer that with the inadequacy of these motives, cynicism among our prided medical students begins to set in as early as, or even before, the undergrad years. Now if we consider my theory of disillusionment to be true, this becomes problematic. When even the most initially passionate medical students come to the end of their training with little, and sometimes no passion left for their chosen career, what can be imagined for someone who has been completely oblivious to the feeling of passion for medicine since their early undergrad years, for someone who had entered the field of medicine with absolutely no passion for it to begin with? Here's what you get: you get future doctors who scoff at even the most simple and basic prospects of medical ethics when they are presented to them. You get future doctors who arrogantly and scornfully scoff at even the most simple and basic of human rights! A doctor who has no sense of responsibility to human rights as basic and primal as a human being's right to choose what happens to their own body after they die, whether they wish to donate their organs for life, or resent the idea of being harvested like a carcass, the choice of wording depending on their own, personal, visceral (no pun intended) beliefs or views concerning the prospect of organ donation. This is just a mere example of the outrage that went on in one of the TWO medical ethics lectures that we were given this year. Just two? yes. Two lecture hours on medical ethics, in grand total. For comparison, our Clinical Parasitology exam in a few days' time is on 22 lecture hours. And that's just ONE of FOUR CP exams. This so clearly illustrates the seemingly deliberate inadequacy of our ethics teaching system, that I will not write another word to explain it.

What's to Hope for

At the end of this long, useless rant that sadly but surely no one will hear, let me just say that I can only hope that decisive action is taken by the Medical Community, and especially Medical Admission Boards, against this phenomenon that is destroying the essence of our profession.
On a more personal note, I can also hope that the more passionate students are rewarded with a better experience in the clinical years, because my one, sole surviving, waning measure of excitement so dearly depends on it.

3 measures of disappointment, 6 of complete and utter disgust, and 1 sole surviving, waning measure of excitement...

Thanks for reading

Saturday, November 22, 2008

ahh the distractions...! It's like a jungle in here!

These are my last-ditch efforts to finish up studying for my virology exam on Monday (that's after tomorrow!) And one would think, after my 7 years experience taking exams, that I would know that studying with "Survivor Man" sounds in the background courtesy of my favorite Discovery Channel is just about as feasible as threading a needle on a bus on the perfectly paved roads of our beloved Beirut! I need a break. Here's a great idea! I'll go stretch my legs on a long late afternoon walk to the kitchen and check out what the fridge has in store for tonight... A few apples, an old steak, and not much to drink... owell. On my way back "home" it's getting dark, and I hear faint voices and squeals in the living room. Intrigued, curious, but all too wary and suspicious, I slither up to the door as silently as I can, crack it open (no, it's not squeaky you Hollywood freaks) and spot my mom (who is a teacher) with her 15 year-old private pupil. I could hear the poor little thing squeak and whine, his tiny brain clearly overwhelmed with more french words and metaphors than anyone could possibly and humanly handle. The air is filled with a thick, white fog making visibility a dodgy matter. Oh no wait it's just cigarette smoke... I thought I had smelled something. Just some second hand smoke and cancer to go with your education my son!! enjoy...
I make my way back home with difficulty, after all, it got dark after the long minutes of vivid and adventurous exploration...

Friday, November 21, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Future Doctors! (Part I)

85 students in our class. That's 85 doctors to be released into the "general circulation" in 2 years time. 85 healers, who will be trusted with people's lives and well-being. Patients beware!

Our society has become overcrowded with physicians. It is my firm belief that the system, and access to a medical education, and, more importantly, to the coveted Doctorate of Medicine, has been commercialized and secretively downgraded to a level that compromises the very essence of medicine. How do I know this? I don't, so call it a conspiracy theory if you want to. But if we look carefully at recent trends and attitudes, the kinds of medical students that currently populate our classrooms, as well as the quality of health care that we obtain as patients, observe as students, and, eventually, will provide as physicians, an image so vivid is painted of the shortcomings of our system that one would need to be blind to overlook it. Here's what I'm thinking about.

The Quintessence of the Medical Profession in Jeopardy: Medical Doctor vs. Healer

We're a smart bunch (smart is debatable, and will be discussed later but let's call it smart for now). There are more overachieving students per square meter in a med school lecture hall than in any other lecture hall out there. Oh, do I sound too affirmative? If I do, at least allow me this: there are more overachievers per square meter in my class than in any other class I've ever been in or even heard of. The steps taken by the system in selecting the precious few that will be given a chance to graduate as doctors are many, and there is no denying that everyone, or almost everyone that is in this class deserves to be here. Right?

Well... I'm not so sure... I think here lies the problem; here, we need to stop for a few seconds and file a few definitions. What are the selection criteria? Exactly how does one define an overachiever? According to 1 definition or the other, or still the other (be careful which one you choose!), is this person truly fit for a career in medicine?

What is my point? Very simple. There is a vast vast difference between: (1) someone who is smart enough to go through high school, undergrad, and 4 years of medical school and pass with very high, if not the highest, grades, and (2) someone who is simply fit, overall (grades, compassion, personality what have you), for a career in medicine. Allow me to say that to bridge this gap with the assumption that everyone in a medical school classroom has probably been selected by people who knew what they were doing, and therefore that this student will probably make an excellent healer, would be making a serious mistake, one that would undermine the meaning and prestige ascribed to the medical profession. It is this sad, sad mistake that our society is making at this time.
But Who Cares What People Think?? Oh how I wish it were that simple! It is the sad reality that our trusted, self-proclaimed world-class (remember?) administrative process does NOT make the aforementioned distinction. Allow me to elaborate. Simply put, ours is a system in which the most adamant of bookworms thrive, because ever since my sophomore year, the exams we've been given have been relentlessly trying to test how many times each student has gone through the material in the ridiculously short time that they've been given to prepare, and therefore how many senseless insignificant details a student can cram in his or her mind during the final minutes before entering the exam room. This applies to every single course we have taken. I mean I would completely understand this in anatomy, neuroanatomy, and histology, to name a few but they have even made it work in the logical realms of statistics, biophysics, and physiology.

More to follow in part II

Thursday, November 20, 2008

3 measures of disappointment, 6 of complete and utter disgust, and 1 sole surviving, waning measure of excitement...

So is med school everything I expected it would be? a sad, resounding NO... I remember a time, some 10 years ago, when this was everything I wanted, everything I ever dreamt of accomplishing in my senseless quasi hedonistic existence.

My journey In a nutshell: I wasted 2 years of my life "trying out" in the French system, to no avail. 3 years spent in undergrad, another year lost waiting for application periods, both for undergrad, and medical school admission. And now, almost two years into my medical curriculum. Yes, I've been going to classes and sitting for exams for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS, and I'm not done yet! "Wow, I heard people say, you must be pretty determined"... well, now, I would say: "one wonders, really". But why?

I wouldn't know where to start. So here are my jumbled and chaotic headlines and axes of thought: Do I begin with the ridiculous abuse that we're put through? with these unfathomable characters that professors and outsiders call our classmates?with the self-proclaimed world class, but the sometimes patently absurd administrative process in (my) medical school? the list goes on... Short questions with long, or no answers. so read on...